This aired on Sydney radio apparently......really quite funny


This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake..'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay.. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this = morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch
tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect h is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?



Sarah: 'Up the ar*e.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair. Removal Gel Creme 200. ml
(Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of thisas previous shaving attempts
had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach
the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I. would do the
deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered
myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and.
wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I
was.

I waited until the other. half was tucked up in bed and after giving some
vague hints. about a special surprise

I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel
and stood waiting for something to happen.

I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced
by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given
a barbed wire wedgie by two people. intent on hitting the ceiling with my
head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly
became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around
the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two
veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel. of in
the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall
into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled
the final yard to the fridge in. the hope of some form. of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid
of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and
the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of. the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give. the
starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as
I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what
I later found out. was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as
I did so.
I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks
of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's
way up the chutney channel and it felt like the. space shuttle was running
it's engines. behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish
there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of
the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to. gently ease
one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the
other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the.
sight of me, arse in the. air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my. bell
end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh. that feels good
".
Understandably this. was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I
hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself
which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her
direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night
in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she. was expecting and
having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the
ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes
hair,dignity and self respect.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her. Warm the innards up to body
temperature!.......... .....and then She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey,you were right." "All these years you have warned meand I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I
got most of them back in.

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles
and my mum said it was contagious."


"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."


"Well done, Katie," says the teacher "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says
it will take the contagious."

Thank you Jerry for your prompt reply and helpful advice. There's certainly plenty here to look into and try out.

I am looking for some advice on making a 3D pop out of a photo using Adobe cc. Some of the tutorials I have looked at seemed very complicated and I was wondering if there are any less convoluted out there.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST, NORTON
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON
nuns
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,

"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud.

The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back:

"Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!!!"

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk to her.



Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."

This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Shepherd. I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 59 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.

Your latest Virgin Media Bill cannot be processed
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An inspiration to us all.


As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to
“make a difference”in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other
“seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that
would make
many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:


HAROLD SAYS: "I've often been asked,
'What do you do now that you're retired?
'Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background
and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer,
wine and whiskey into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold is an inspiration to us all.
------------------------------------------------


Seniors:
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours ...

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
Watch 'em Slow Down.


2. On all your check stubs, write
'For Marijuana.

3. Skip down the street, rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.


4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'


7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'


8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,
'Due To The Economy, we are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity :
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called ....THERAPY

I've been asked by a friend to remove the two ladies on the left of this picture and also the trophy. I'm afraid this is beyond my ability and I'm hoping that some of you Hoggers might give me some pointers please.

Lady Bowlers

(Download)

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=StAozUpSnSQ

A golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm. He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him ​ , ​

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's

​

arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course

​

when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've

​

learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting

​

landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was

​

such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer.

"Every time I get an Erection I also get a Headache"!