Nikonbob Loc: Upper Chichester, PA

You're so right... Funny is funny and you should never have to worry about offending someone. I know you miss your dad's jokes, as I do mine. Humor is more valuable than gold. Our dads knew that.

Quixdraw Loc: x

NikonBob, you are so right!

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot.
Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife,

"Remember the first time we made love,
it was up in that field across the road,
when I put you against the fence.
Why don't we do it again for old times sake?

The wife giggled like crazy and said,

"Sure, why not."

So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw.

With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion.

Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said,

"That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen.
You must have been a wild couple when you were young."

"Not really," said the old man,
"when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

waywest Loc: las vegas

just 1 more - i promise. 2 pals were riding the bus to work & passed through a nice area where every house had beautiful large front lawns. there was 2 dogs getting it on in one yard. one guys says: did you ever do it like that with your old lady? his pal said no but he just might try it this weekend. they meet on the bus on monday & the guy said he really enjoyed the doggy style weekend. his buddy asked him how he talked his wife into it. he said it was easy - it took 2 martinis to get her in the mood & 3 more to get her out on the front lawn.

tenbanshee Loc: Woodstock, IL

Some of these need a Groaner alert in front of them so that you don't offend anyone. lol Loved all of them

raymondh Loc: Walker, MI

:thumbup:

Quixdraw Loc: x

Back for a moment -- snorkel equipped.

Quite a long time ago, in a harsher world, a Hobo, sometimes a Bindle stiff, but never a Tramp, rolled into Chicago on a freight. He had managed to duck the Bulls, and as was his habit, was able to get some simple labor, first to be fed, then to get some beer, and finally to make a few dollars. He had nowhere to stay, and with couple of dollars, decided to kill two birds with one stone -- he found a bordello -- to quote Big Judy, "Not an Italian dessert." Anyway, he went into the place and advised the Madam of his needs and finances.
"No, she said, you can't afford it here you'll have to go up to the second floor.'
On the second floor he was directed to the third, and there to the fourth.
On the fourth floor, the Madam said, "You're short of funds here as well, but there is a girl on the roof who will accommodate you."
He went up to the roof, quickly made a deal, and set to it. About that time one of the Midwest's amazing and legendary snap freezes came up. They both froze in the act. The Hawk, as some call the wind off the lake, came up and was strong enough to roll them off the roof, their bodies crashing into the street below. A young neighborhood boy walking by took one look and climbed the stairs and knocked on the door of the brothel. The Madam opened the door and looked him over, "And how can we help you little man?"
He smiled at her "I just wanted to let you know your sign blew down."

Nikonbob Loc: Upper Chichester, PA

Quix... That's way too funny...your sign blew down...

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first bordello he sees.
He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
He goes to the next one, but since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
By this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says,

"Look, I only have Five dollars.
I'm really horny, and I need a BJ for 5 dollars!"

The Madame there says,

"OK. For 5 Bucks, We can give you a Penguin."

"What's a Penguin?"

"You'll see!!!"

So, the Madame takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, one of the ladies comes in and starts servicing the guy.
Just as he's about to finish, she just stops and walks away.

Now, with his pants at his ankles, the horny guy starts waddling after her, shouting....


"HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!?!?"

Beemerboy

This is the best this site has ever been! Keep them coming!

machia Loc: NJ

Laughing at ourselves is healthy . Political correctness is not only unhealthy , but it is used by people with a so called social progressive agenda , and by people who have had their minds poisoned by that agenda .
Offend away!
Lol

jjwright71 Loc: Lubbock,Tx

spot on , being as i am a proud processor of ochendo ano'us (that is 80 for you gringos),i love a good joke, i have told many on me ,on others i skipped none of the ethic groups, but with a few whining people ass kissing judges ,we have the dreaded ,'P C", were a few people make a night mare of real or suppresed feelings ,so i say just play dixie and kiss me where the sun dont shine ! HAR!

Marc-Wi Loc: Oshkosh Wi

Can't stop laughing.

tenbanshee Loc: Woodstock, IL

I was like, I don't get it, so I started to read it again, but as my eyes start to scroll up I saw the word "waddling" so I read that part again. Great joke.
It must be time for me to go to bed.

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

I just realized that I haven't put up any good Irish stuff yet, so:


His wife had been killed in an automobile accident and the police were questioning Flanagan.

"Did she say anything before she died"?, asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years!", said the Irishman.

-----------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,

"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,

"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies,

"Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

----------------------------------------
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,

"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,

"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,

"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said,

"Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said,

"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that, your husband,
John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts.
He's only been there twice.
The first time he fell asleep.
The second time, I had to pull him out by the ears."

---------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,

"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."

Sean replied,

"Well, then between the two of us, we got 'em all."

---------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves sawmill jobs. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled,

"Mick, I've lost me finger!"

"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"

Pat replied.

"I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this.
Damn! There goes another one!"

--------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,

"I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"

"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!," responded McMaken.
---------------------------------------

One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.

"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.

"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Sean,
my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub. That makes 8!"

Bill sighs and says,

"I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"

"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back.

"Right, Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"

Once more Bill sighs and says,

"I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,
10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"

"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's cropsprayer,
with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"

Once more Bill sighs and says,

"I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes.
My military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke,
my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
There's just no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"

----------------------------------------
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said,

"What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said,

"I'm drinking to the memory of my wife.
She was a saint on earth.
She went to church every single morning,
She spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures,
She sang hymns and psalms all evening,
She filled our house with religious statues and paintings,
She invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,

I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied.

"I strangled the bitch."

----------------------------------------
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful new day.
Looking outside, he noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"

"And the rest of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads round to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:

"Well now, Father, it was always my impression, that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment & then Father O'Malley replied:

"Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"