tenbanshee Loc: Woodstock, IL

I have a email set-up that I send out for my friends that is just for jokes. I have only had one person ask to be removed, they said that I sent too many bad things about obama. Heck I send out jokes about anything, I am kind of know for groaners. All of you are a GREAT source of stuff for my emails, Keep up the great work. I try to add them here also, when I remember them.

DickC Loc: NE Washington state

There are a few blue-noses on here but most of us enjoy the humor!!
Bring it on!! :mrgreen:

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

All of this is so very true. We have, unfortunately, forgotten how to laugh at ourselves.

I have always been politically incorrect. My HR manager once said I was an HR persons worst nightmare.
For years I thought I was alone and abnormal, then I met a few others and realized that we were normal, it was the rest had issues.

I worked with a guy whose wife would not allow the movie "Blazing Saddles" in the house because it was 'racist'.

Hell, I still say, “Merry Christmas”!

Confucius say, “Boy who fart in Church, sit in own Pew.”

Quixdraw Loc: x

If we can't find ourselves to be the best and biggest joke and source of amusement, we are either very young or bad company!

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

The people of the village decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left.
When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right.
This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story.

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow.
When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left.
When the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right.
What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked,

"Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise!
We never said we bought the cow from Minsk.
How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly,

"My wife is from Minsk."

Quixdraw Loc: x

BB -- good one!

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

Cultural Differences at Drinking Establishments

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says,

"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy your first and your second drink.
MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says,

"Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one.
Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's.
At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink.
You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says,

"You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's.
At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink.
They buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink.
Then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my Sister!"

Bobbee

Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.

The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.

The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied:

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

Vampire Vacation

Two vampires, fed up with their peasant victims in Transylvania, flew to Venice because they'd heard that Italian food was really good. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later, a young couple strolled by. Each vampire grabbed one, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below. They were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have "secondi."

A few minutes later, another young couple approached and suffered the same fate as the first -- drained and tossed into the canal.

Our vampires, now fairly full, decided on dessert. In a short while a third young couple provided just that.

The vampires, full at last, started to walk away but stopped suddenly when they heard what sounded like crooning coming from under the bridge.
They looked over the rail and saw an alligator feasting on the bodies and singing, only as an Italian aligator can,

"Drained Wops keep falling' on my head..."

Quixdraw Loc: x

A Major Groaner -- and I have the perfect guy to send it to. Went to the last entry -- missed the previous ones -- you guys are killing me!

Jolly Roger Loc: Dorset. UK

When I was a young guy and first started work I quickly learned to laugh at myself. Being the youngest and newest employee you became the butt of everyone elses jokes. You also learned that if you took offense at the tirade of humour against you it would only get worse. When we had another new starter they became the focus of attention.
In a funny way it helped to create a bond between all the guys.

Quixdraw Loc: x

You asked for it!

Many years ago Mahatma Gandhi was visiting the UN in New York. Though he was beloved by many, he was hated by some, and security was very concerned. The Chief of security was lecturing his troops on the man and the situation.

"You all know about Mr. Gandhi, but here are a few things you might not know. First off, he wears very simple clothing and walks everywhere barefoot. There is no risk there, because he has heavy callus on his feet. Next, he eats very little, and is frail and slender, but has no mobility issues. He is very spiritual, and will sometimes stop, seized by an idea. However he processes quickly, so usually, just pause for a moment and you can move on. One last thing, because of the small amount he eats, and the unusual combination of foods, he has very bad breath.
To sum up, what we have here is a Super calloused, fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

Take no prisoners! If you can tell this the first time without cracking up, you're a better man than I!

BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk,

"I'd like some Polish sausage. "

The clerk looks at him and says,

"Are you Polish? "

The guy, clearly offended, says,

"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

"Well, no. "

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage? "

"Because this is Home Depot. "

waywest Loc: las vegas

the polack on the beach - a polish guy at the beach asks his italian friend how he gets so many women. he said easy - just do this: go to the market & buy a large baking potato - then go buy some tight speedo swim trunks then just put that potato down your trunks & parade along the beach & the women will come! the next time they met up his buddy asks how it went. he said no good & told him exactly what he did. the italian guy told him: ok do everything just like before except this time put the potato in the front.

Quixdraw Loc: x

I have got to come up for air, or I will damage my funny bone!