I have had Three Threatening Private Messages from the Admin bloke today. It appears to me, he has more time for the Prudes, Whingers, Moaners etc etc etc, than us normal broad-minded people. The adult jokes that I started
posting when I first came back on here went great. You good people liked them so much to the amazing tune of
over two-hundred-thousand views. There was just a handful of prudes, kill-joys whatever they are, that posted their pathetic complaints one of them accused me of posting lewd jokes. Anyhow thanks to the admin bloke favouring the handful, I have had enough of him/. I am not enjoying now, like what we had almost three weeks of laughter.
If the ownership changes let me know. I have had a good time with you all and got to know quite a lot of you. Thanks for all your comments and friendship. I have laughed as much, at some of your replies as you have at the jokes.
Cheers and Beers Graham...098............ If you wonder what the 098 stands for it to was the last three digits of my Army number. I served in the Territorial Army from 1958 until 1962.

Enjoy these, there are some really funny ones

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

Where do pirates get their hooks? Secondhand stores.

Knock knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Don't cry, I'm only joking!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts!

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.

Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

Knock knock. Who's there? Adore. Adore who? Adore is between us, so please open up.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

What do horses say when they fall? Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

Knock knock. Who's there? Candice. Candice who? Candice joke get any worse?

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

What runs but never goes anywhere? A refrigerator.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iva. Iva who? I’ve a sore hand from knocking.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

Why can’t you trust duck doctors? They’re all quacks.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One’s pretty heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

What do you call a ghost's sweetheart? A ghoul-friend.

Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ”Is the bar tender here?”

Why are the Irish so wealthy? Because their capital is always Dublin.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cher. Cher who? Cher would be nice if you opened the door.

What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.

Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Why didn't the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

I just flew into town and my arms are so tired.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

I always wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wa. Wa who? What are you so excited about?

Never buy anything with Velcro. It’s a total rip-off.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it.

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? He's a fungi.

I'm on a seafood diet: When I see food, I eat it.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

What did the snail riding on the turtle's back say? Wheeeeee!

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now.

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

How does a rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.

Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at.

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to go spreading it!

Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the moo-vies.

Why don't lobsters like to share? They're shellfish.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.

One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

What do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock, knock.

Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why couldn't the pony talk? Because she was just a little hoarse.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear.

What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes? Sneakers.

What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie was everywhere.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ida. Ida who? I think it’s pronounced Idaho.

What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.


What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics.

What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.

The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense.

What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.

What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.

What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.

Why did the restaurant hire a pig? He was good at bacon.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.

What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it.

How do you open a banana? With a mon-key.

How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.

Why did the robber jump in the shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Why was the broom late to class? It over-swept.

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.

Why did the cookie go to the nurse? Because he felt crumby.

What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter.

What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Thought you all would appreciate these.


1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
(Copied from a friend thought these were hilarious sharing to make others laugh)

We had AT&T (DirecTV) for our cable until recently - then price went from $70 to $141. It was time to become a cable-cutter. I installed Roku devices on our TV's. If you do that, there's a ton of free content, but we went with Youtube TV for $50/mo, which includes all the channels we were used to watching. I figure the break-even time for this change is 3 months.

If you drop your cable TV, is there another internet service provider you can switch to? Centurylink offers to hold the same price for life. BTW, we dropped landline phone service a decade ago, and now use T-Mobile cellular only. $40/mo per line.