Why not just use a card reader?

Nothing against lawyers, just a bit of fun.
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewellery.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they’re boring.


Stories:

1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says,
"I'm here to hook up your phone."

And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.

Must be one of the Australians that our judges picked.

No, I am afraid that I am not that clever. It was sent to me by a friend that received it from a friend. I get a lot like that trouble is a lot of them are a bit too strong for this site.

Dear Mum,Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried.
We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got
washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were
all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it
happened.Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he
is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in
one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never
would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a
hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him,
but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did
you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow
up?The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and
also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows
back.We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets
the bus fixed.. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The
brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that
with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break
down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.We think
it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if
it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets
pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take
turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and
talked to us.Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry,
he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to
drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All
we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.This morning
all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to
the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't
swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast
(it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let
us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of
the trees under the water from the flood.Scoutmaster Ted
isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad
about forgetting the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of
time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any
trouble.Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we
all got to see how a tourniquet works.Steve and I threw
up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food
poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick
that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out
and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to
get things done better while he was doing his time. By the
way, what is a pedal-file?I have to go now. We are going
to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my
turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

I had used windows 7 ultimate daily for the last few years. I have always thought it to be very good. The trouble is I am an old wrinkly and I messed about with bits that I should have left alone and corrupted the program and as I had no disk it was cheaper to download windows 8. Now I am happy that I did.

I changed to windows 8 as a way to get past a problem with windows 7. I was totally lost and went back to 7. Three days later the hard drive with 7 on it failed so I had to try 8 again. This time I had to persevere with 8. It is totally different from 7 and six days later I still do not fully know my way round it, but I now believe that it makes 7 look like something from the stone age.
If you are not sure about it put it on a spare hard drive and have a play with it.

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:
Sex with your wife - Legal & General
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare
Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than
Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird - Privileged
Sex with a prostitute- Commercial Union
Sex with your maid - Employer’s Liability
Sex with an OAP - Saga
Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident
And finally
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com

Buy a light metre

I think that if you can afford to give direct to a person that needs charity then you are at least cutting out the top charity workers that take most of the donations as wages. They should be doing the job for charity.

If it upset you then I will tell you that that was not my aim. I have one question for you. Have you never smiled at a joke about an Irish Priest or a Protestant Minister or even a Vicar?

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London , He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing? "The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so **** off and wait for a camel!"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around .

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500.00 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "Its really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

The great comic Dave Allen once said that 10% of road acciedents were caused by drunken drivers. The big problem is with the other 90%