I don't think you got it all

CHILI CONTEST

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?





Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Sarge69
PS: First time I read this at work at a call center, folks were looking at me. Within a short while the place was a laugh house.

Just a thought. Put the drive in your freezer for an hour or two. THen plug it in. If the problem was/is misalignment,, the cold will adjust and you might be able to boot it up. If it is the motor, you're done.

Sarge69

When I was a boy back in the early 50s, we used to go downtown in little Stafford SPrings, CT and wait for the steam locomotive to come through around noon. We'd hear it down the way and gradually the sounds came closer. Loved to hear the whistle and then the engineer waving at us.

Good times

Sarge69

Thanks Rehess - appreciated and true.

Sarge69

Hey guys,

Had a prostate biopsy for nothing. After biopsy was completely negative I was talking to urologist and with a 8 on the blood test he asked if I had sex recently. I said yes and he said 'Six will push the numbers up greatly'

You need at least a week between sex and a prostate test.

Oh Oh

Sarge69

This was an uncomfortable morning on UHH.

I usually spend a couple hours on UHH in the morning with my coffee. Bit different today and didn't spend as much time.

Yesterday had a procedure call 'Vaporization of Prostate'

No photos - Supposed to be healed within next two weeks but intense burning while urinating because the procedure was done through the penis with a tube and laser. Male diaper is absolute necessity right now.

Supposed to eliminate 'incontinence problems' after a bladder cancer operation which also was done through the penis resulting in a weakened muscle.

The 'Golden Years' ain't like they say they are.

So having to take a few days off from running around taking useless photos only I can enjoy.

Sarge69

Debby Does Dallas. If I remember my youth in any way shape or form.

Sarge69

Keep them coming. Very interesting

Sarge69

Fantastic shots. Thanks for pertinent info which I shall remember.

Sarge69

Great photos but can't appreciate the Photographers copyright on them in such big dimensions. Could be done better.

Sarge69

I like it as you took it and remember it. I like saying "That's exactly what I saw."

Great photo

Sarge69

Money seemed to be the object all the time in my younger days. What to do with the $68.00 a month for being a soldier. That gradually went up until I was making over $3000.00 a month after 30 years in the profession.

Then getting out and having to put 2 kids through high end schools, academy and catholic *wifes wishes* and college, North Eastern and U of Utah. Daughter ok but son needed lots of monetary support.

Camera choices were by what I had put aside and most expensive camera I could get is a Nikon 7200 with some nice lenses.

I'm enjoying the camera but can't think of anything bigger or better that would make me happier except maybe a high-end telephoto over my 300mm I have (Donations accepted for lense over 300mm

Life is good while you're living and would hate to be living with thoughts of stuff I could NOT get.

Sarge69

Christ was supposedly there before, during and after an incident. It is in the minds of men/women that the terrible thoughts occur.

Sarge69

Excellent Photography. Thank you

Sarge69

It's the eyes.....The Eyes....

Plus the rest ain't bad at all. Great photography.

Sarge69