Wonder if it has something to do with "sniffing". As in sniffing glue to get a high. Is that illegal?

Going Fishing

What subjects do men talk about while fishing? It is usually normal
for conversations to cover sports, memorable events in their lives
and, particularly for married men, their wives. This was how the
conversation went for the four men who got together to go fishing one
day.

As they enjoyed their time together, they discussed what they had to
commit to for their wives to allow them to go fishing on this day.

First man: “You have no idea what I had to promise my wife for her to
allow me to be here today. I had to promise her that I would paint one
room in the house next weekend.”

Second man: “That’s nothing! I had to promise to build a sizeable
addition to the deck for our pool.”

Third man: “You both have it easy! I had to promise to completely
renovate the master bathroom.”

When the fourth man said nothing, one of them said to him, “You
haven’t said what you had to promise your wife in order to be here
today.”

The fourth man finally spoke up and said, “I didn’t have to promise my
wife anything. When my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I said to
my wife, ‘Good morning sweetheart what would you prefer, to have sex
now, or to have me go fishing?’ With no hesitation, she said, ‘It’s
chilly out, so wear a sweater.’”

Another Lib waiting to be offended.

I used to have a B of A CC but I closed my account after it was revealed they were anti-gun and were not going to deal with any firearms purchases or do loans with manufacturers.

As Dave Barry once said: "A man's underpants aren't worn out until he can't tell which hole to put his foot through.."

FROM THE YOOPER PAGE ON FACEBOOK. (YOOPER = people from the upper peninsula of MI)



My wife, Mary, is a quiet, behind-the-scenes type of person, but she has a very quick wit. I have a nearly 40-page collection of what I call Maryisms. Here are some of my favorites:

Me: "If you hold your thumb up to the night sky, there are millions of stars behind your thumb that you can't see."
Mary: "Well, duh! You can't see them because your thumb's in the way."

Me: "I have the body of a Greek god."
Mary: "Buddha wasn’t Greek."

Reminiscing with my 80-year-old mom about family and raising kids...
Mom: "It's amazing what I can't remember. Thinking back, I can't remember pain #1 during childbirth."
Mary pointing toward me: "There's pain #1."

Me: "I would like a pill that prevents me from getting any older."
Mary: "You know what happens when you stop getting any older, right?"

Me: "Aw, look, a picture of you when you were younger."
Mary: "Every picture of me was taken when I was younger."

Me: "So PETA forced animal crackers to redesign the box freeing the animals from their cages?"
Mary: "Yeah, but we still take them out of the box and bite their heads off."

Me: "Why does our jug of distilled water have an expiration date."
Mary: "That's when it stops being wet."

Me: “I’m so old I can’t remember celebrating Christmas as a kid.”
Mary: “That’s because Jesus wasn’t born yet.”

Mary on her preschool class: "I like to keep a corner of the classroom as a safe place for crying or tantrums. Now I just have to make a spot for the kids, too."

When we were in Colorado, I injured my big toe, possibly broken, so I was trying to look up how to treat it.
Mary: "You could tape it to the other big toe."

Me admiring and comparing my new hammer to the old one:
Mary: “Are you going to sleep with that hammer?”
Me: “Yep. Do you want to sleep with the old one or the new one?”
Mary: “Are you talking hammers or husbands?”

One of Mary's preschool children: "When a baby's born, how do you know if it's a boy or a girl?”
Mary: "Because when the baby's born, the doctor says 'IT'S A BOY!' or 'IT'S A GIRL!'"

Me: "You know you're my trophy wife, right?"
Mary: "Yeah, participation trophy."

Me: "I would love to live in an igloo."
Mary: "Wouldn't it be kind of embarrassing changing clothes in the summertime?"

News this morning showed a clip of two 90+ year olds running a 60-meter dash.
Me: “That's old news. They showed that clip last week.”
Mary: “They're still running. They haven't finished the race yet.”

Law firm's TV commercial: "If you've suffered death, call us now!"
Mary: "I guess if you're enjoying being dead, you don't have to call."

Mary: “If you could ever have a twin fruit, it would have to be an avocado. You are both nuts on the inside with lots of soft fat on the outside.”

Mary after shopping prior to an interview, "You know you live in a small town when you buy your clothes for a job interview in the same store as you buy your chickens."

About a lady we saw in the theater tonight: "She's very fashion conscious. She's just not very good at it."

Mary: "Whoever invented traffic circles where everyone goes at once was obviously not a pre-school teacher."

One of Mary's children was talking about a new feather pillow the child had at home.
Child: "What if the chicken wants the feathers back and comes to get them?"
Mary: "Honey, you ate the chicken for dinner last night."

Mary: "I got something at the store to make me happy."
Me: "Good for you. What'd you get?"
Mary: "I got you some deodorant."

Me: "What do you like better, my muscular physique or my rugged good looks?"
Mary: "Your sense of humor."

News spot this morning about a 100-year-old celebrating her birthday. She's known in the community as a co-founder of the local museum.
Mary: "Co-founder? She's also one of the exhibits."

I have a windshield washer solution issue. Front won't squirt. But when I push the button to squirt solution on the rear window, it also squirts through the front ports onto the windshield.
Me, looking at the wiring diagram and talking out loud to myself: "Now why does it squirt out both ends at once?"
Mary: "The same thing happens when you step on a frog.”

So in my opinion, it's not a big deal... since my printer sits sleeping 99% of the time, it's a difference of maybe 3 watts extra over an inkjet.

Know what the wattage of a laser printer is when it's not printing? I'll bet it's pretty low. You might have me curious enough to find out. I've had my HP4000 duplex printing, laser printer for about 25 years and never have had a problem with it. Put in a new toner cartridge about every 3 yrs at a cost of $30 or less. Rebuilt some of the innards about 8 yrs ago for $100 on a refurbish kit. Couldn't be happier.

How-some-ever, my Canon Pro100 inkjet froze up after little use for a couple of months and it took some work to get it going again. Now I print a test page once a month to keep it going....

What kind of printer are we talking about? I have used 20# in my HP laser printer for 25 yrs. No problems on doubled sided printing.

WHY? 🤔

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains, they always determine that they are either male or female and none of the other hundreds of g****rs?



Why is it that so many are more outraged that Brittney Griner was stuck in Russia than they were about American soldiers being stranded in Afghanistan?



• How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices…but the weather is something they can fix?



• We’re churning out a generation of poorly educated people with no sk**l, no ambition, no guidance, and no realistic expectations of what it means to go to work.—Mike Rowe



• If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate. Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg leg surgery. —Bill Maher



• Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?



• Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?



• Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?



• Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?



• Is this a great description of America: Andy has left town and Barney is in charge?



• Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education• Who else had a ‘ministry of t***h”…Hitler…Goebbels…Stalin



• Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.



• I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.



• If your electric car runs out of power on the interstate, do you walk to a charging station to get a bucket of electricity?



• Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, i******s, and free college?



• I just got a full tank of gas for $22. Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I'm trying to stay positive.



• There is a coin shortage. North America is officially out of common sense.



• If an 18-year-old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five-year-olds aren’t mature enough to change their g****r



• Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free. Just like socialism.



• The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a v***s from spreading…but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes



• Want to stop drunk drivers from k*****g sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and C***D lockdowns work.



• If socialism is so good and capitalism is so bad…then why aren’t immigrants heading to Venezuela?



History is not there for us to like or dislike. It is there for us to learn from. And if it offends you, even better…because then you are less likely to repeat it. It is not anyone’s to erase…it belongs to all of us.



This explains why this is not the country that I grew up in.

Food City is a Southern grocery store chain with headquarters in Bristol, Tennessee.

This is their one-minute commercial.

Not a word is spoken and none is needed.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/uoABty_zE00?rel=0

I just shipped a 42 lb battery back to the vendor using UPS. They have a flat rate service for anything under 50 lbs and 1700 cubic inches. Cost was $29.50 or close to that.

Subject: PONDERANCES that may strike you as humorous!!



• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.

• Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

* Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

•Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

* How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when….the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years.
So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!

•I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.

•If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.

•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

•We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended

•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot

•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

•It’s weird being the same age as old people.

•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH

•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

•If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

•Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.

•I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.

•Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly…next week…Turn Signals.

•Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”

• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

•Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

•I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.

Daylight Savings this weekend.

Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.