Jackie Mason on Starbucks
Feb 12, 2013 14:39:02 #
This is Jackie Mason's bit on Starbucks--the coffee chain.
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Café Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $350. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for you r coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? But a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there."
You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money. Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge 2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished," Would you say to me, "that's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!"
No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, bastard son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.
Starbucks is the best example of a phony status symbol that means nothing, but people will still pay 10x as much for because there are French words all over the place. You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, Café Latte: $3.50. Cafe Cremier: $4.50. Cafe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." If it's Cafe Latte - $4.50. You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?"
Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. Two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $350. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot.
But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
It's all the same as Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for you r coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much. Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? But a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there."
You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money. Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee I'll charge 2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and you'll clean it up for 20 minutes after you're finished," Would you say to me, "that's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!"
No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, bastard son-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.
Feb 12, 2013 14:56:58 #
Feb 12, 2013 15:09:39 #
Feb 12, 2013 17:31:39 #
.60 cents for a coffee ? Where, Cuz I'm gonna move.
Coffee at Dunking Donuts in Ft Myers, Fl is about $1.80 and on Wednesdays it's 'half price day'
You can't beat that for a coffee drinker.
Sarge69
Coffee at Dunking Donuts in Ft Myers, Fl is about $1.80 and on Wednesdays it's 'half price day'
You can't beat that for a coffee drinker.
Sarge69
Feb 12, 2013 17:44:23 #
sarge69 wrote:
.60 cents for a coffee ? Where, Cuz I'm gonna move.
Coffee at Dunking Donuts in Ft Myers, Fl is about $1.80 and on Wednesdays it's 'half price day'
You can't beat that for a coffee drinker.
Sarge69
Coffee at Dunking Donuts in Ft Myers, Fl is about $1.80 and on Wednesdays it's 'half price day'
You can't beat that for a coffee drinker.
Sarge69
Sarge are you following me....and I meant to ask...how is that anti ballistic alien spaceship rocket coming along...took your advice and used the switches from the wifes blender...on the scehmatics you sent me...
I was in Chicago a few months ago and my wife wanted coffee for the cab ride to the airport...$9....first time I ever had to pay for a cup of coffee with a credit card.
Feb 12, 2013 18:10:29 #
ggttc wrote:
quote=sarge69 .60 cents for a coffee ? Where, Cuz... (show quote)
thanks. I think the schematics came from china and not knowing Chinese, I converted them to English using google. I paid almost the same at the airport coming over here to Vietnam since there were no other options. But I did screw them and took extra half and half and put some sugars in my pocket for the airliner coffee which was free but horrible.
Sarge69
Feb 12, 2013 19:29:54 #
sarge69 wrote:
quote=ggttc quote=sarge69 .60 cents for a coffee... (show quote)
So what your are politely trying to say...is that I took the wifes blender apart for nothing...by the way the instructions for the blender were also in chinese...
Have a good and safe trip
Feb 13, 2013 06:05:33 #
I think Jackie Mason is the greatest comedian going.|he hits the nail on the head every time.
Feb 13, 2013 06:23:40 #
John Stanier
Loc: Driffield UK
For me it is simple. I just don't like the taste of Starbucks! To me it is inferior coffee.
Give me a some real coffee any day. Kenya Peaberry is wonderful, with very little after taste!
Give me a some real coffee any day. Kenya Peaberry is wonderful, with very little after taste!
Feb 13, 2013 06:33:47 #
Never liked coffee. Never saw the point. Starbucks, Schmarbucks. Wife, though, looooooves it. Has one of those Keurig coffee makers. Thinking of divorcing me and marrying the machine. Might be a good match.
Feb 13, 2013 07:02:15 #
Did you know that Starbucks import their coffee into Switzerland at 23c a ton, then sell it to their UK branches at $50 a pound. That way, because of ludicrous European laws, they pay no tax at all in UK despite huge profits.
Clever, Eh?
Boycott these crooks.
Clever, Eh?
Boycott these crooks.
Feb 13, 2013 07:34:34 #
Living fairly close to a Starbucks on most days it is pretty busy. My wife & I have tried their coffee a few times and it was overpriced. We feel Starbucks is more of a social status club than anything else and by going there and being seen makes people feel like "I fit in". Watching the national news in the morning every person (and there were five) had their Starbucks cup in front of them. Wonder if one of them had coffee from Dunkin Doughnuts would the producer have a fit? Not for me as I make my java at home with a little flavored creamer without listening to everyone's conversation which I don't really need to hear. I'm not anti-social by any means so I don't see how purchasing overpriced flavored coffee in a crowded store would cause my social status to improve. (just my two cups worth 8-) )
Feb 13, 2013 07:44:12 #
Starbucks must use their huge profits to offset their lack of sales from the college crowd, who flood into their shops with their small Apple MacBook, sit for hours at long library tables with port holes for laptop cables, poke their iPhones every seven minutes, and get their term papers done in time for a second cup of non-fat moca latte! Hey, Starbucks should be charging these people tuition, so it can lower the prices of regular coffee for the rest of us!!
Feb 13, 2013 08:11:24 #
Feb 13, 2013 08:23:04 #
I drink my coffee black no sugar could never see going to starbucks. I think they do well here in New York because people use that cup as jewelry when they walk around holding the cup I front of them. Its all part of an image of busy and important.
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