“I have been asked to photograph a family wedding...I have little experience...I brought my camera to a few weddings and took some candid shots of my friends... they liked them... I have 2 bodies and 12 lenses and 1 speedlight...what camera- lens-flash should I use? Should I set the camera on program or manual...??? Can you send me a list of shots to take”?

Questions like these appear on this forum and many others quite regularly . My first reaction is to recall the venerated advice of my grandmother and “mind my own business, shut my big mouth and go away”! And of course, “If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything at all”! As a long time dyed in the wool professional wedding shooter and the assistant manager on the esteemed Hog wedding section, I always feel compelled to offer my advice- sometimes much to the disdain and/or chagrin of the uninitiated OP.

So...what do I do? What is my process? Well, if the OP is an experienced wedding photographer, he would not be asking those question so I assume he or she is an amateur or perhaps an advanced photographer who excels at something other than or far removed from weddings.

My first inclination it to dissuade this photographer from undertaking such an assignment without the prerequisite savvy, experience, chutzpah, equipment, know how and all that good stuff. If that does not deter them, I continue to explain the ramifications of a failed wedding shoot such as disownment by their families, banishment by their friends, a nasty and financially disastrous lawsuit, and, at very least, a whole lot of embarrassment.

Sometimes they listen to me but oftentimes they won't. Erstwhile, they are egged on and encouraged by other posters to carry on , after all “it ain't rocket science or brain surgery”! The advice ensues and some of it is good and some of it is bad- very bad!

The photographers who agree with me and the other dissuader's advice and proceed to convince their family member or friend to engage the service of a professional, however, many agree but plead extenuating circumstances- there are many: The couple can in no way afford a professional. Or...they now realize the should have hired a professional but the wedding is 2 days off- a fine time to be asking technical advice! The “original” photographer became indisposed, incapacitated, has passed away, gone bankrupt, was devoured by an army of red ants on his last nature shoot, was carried off to a distant universe by aliens, has reneged on their contract, backed out, was murdered in his sleep by a disgruntled bride (client) or otherwise disappeared. The OP, therefore feels duty-bound to march into battle. At that that point, as a Good Samaritan, I feel compelled to advise on some fail-safe methods, show some pictures, fire off some diagrams and pray for their salvation.

Really, I do hope and pray for their success. I want them to prove me wrong and post some fabulous images of that wedding- I don't mind being wrong, at least for the sake of that bride and groom and this photographer's hide. Perhaps they will experience a wave of beginners luck or are suddenly able to unleash some unknown talent. So far, this hasn't happened.

So...the fateful day arrives and YOU, being the family photo guru of excellent repute- known for your outstanding imagery of birds and bridges and Uncle Oscar's last birthday party are “drafted”! It's your favorite niece's wedding.. You would rater take you own appendix out or even pay for a professional to cover the glorious event but they insist in YOU! So...how do you get out of it even after diplomacy fails. Here's my foolproof system:

Tell them that your will take on the job but first they have to secure written permission form the church or officiating authorities and the reception venue management for you to bring in your VERY large format cameras, your hydraulic platform lift and drone cameras for those high angle shots. Ask what their feeling are about the use of flash powder! Make certain they know that you don't believe in those little speedlights and your smallest flash unit puts out 2400 watt-seconds- and you have 6 or them.

Next show them photographs of your well attired and amiable assistants and second shooters.

If they don't relent, just tell then that you insist on injecting each member of the bridal party, just prior to the ceremony, with a radioactive material that causes them to glow in the dark. This is handy in case flash is prohibited in a dark church and will make for a cool special effect, especially if there are no sparklers or the DJ or the venue doesn't have some of those nifty laser lights or mirrored balls.

Oh, and all clients have to get passed the studio cat who does our credit checks, and draws up all our contracts.

If you don't have theses visual materials on hand, please feel free to use the little “brochure” I will post in the next reply box.

OK folks, I do hope y'all have a sense of humor or can appreciate mine. There is an underlying moral. I am told that as we age, the sudden appearance of a warped sense of humor, toward the slapstick kind, may be a sign of the onset of dementia. Problem is, I did this kinda thinking when I was young.