Have you considered using an Amazon Firestick?

When you go to a supermarket in a new car and you park as far from the store as you can to protect your car, when you come back there will be two other cars parked on either side of yours.

Golf stories are so real…,



A golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.


When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”


The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.


The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.


"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.


The golfer replied, "No.


The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.


"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.


Again, the golfer replied, "No.


The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club.


"Is this your club?" the Lord asked.


The golfer replied, "Yes.


"The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.


Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"


“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”


The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton.


"Is this your woman?" the Lord asked?

"Yes," cried the golfer.


The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"


The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'No' to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'No' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'Yes,' you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve ... that's why I said 'Yes' to Kate Upton.”


And God was pleased



The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others.

.This review is from: Veet for Men Hair. Removal Gel Creme 200. ml
(Personal Care)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I
decided to take the plunge and buy some of thisas previous shaving attempts
had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach
the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I. would do the
deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered
myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and.
wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I
was.

I waited until the other. half was tucked up in bed and after giving some
vague hints. about a special surprise

I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel
and stood waiting for something to happen.

I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced
by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given
a barbed wire wedgie by two people. intent on hitting the ceiling with my
head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly
became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around
the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two
veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel. of in
the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.
Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall
into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled
the final yard to the fridge in. the hope of some form. of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid
of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and
the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of. the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give. the
starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as
I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what
I later found out. was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as
I did so.
I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks
of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's
way up the chutney channel and it felt like the. space shuttle was running
it's engines. behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish
there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of
the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to. gently ease
one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the
other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the.
sight of me, arse in the. air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my. bell
end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh. that feels good
".
Understandably this. was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I
hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself
which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her
direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night
in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she. was expecting and
having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the
ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes
hair,dignity and self respect.

For those who haven’t seen it I challenge you not to laugh.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbsZohEMn38&feature=share

A lot of monkeys lived near a village. 🐵🐵🐵🐵🐵🐵

One day a merchant came to the village to buy these monkeys. He announced that he would buy the monkeys @ $100 each. 🐵💵

The villagers believed the man was mad. They thought: how can somebody buy stray monkeys at $100 each? Still, some people caught some monkeys and gave them to this merchant and he gave $100 for each monkey.
This news spread like wildfire and people caught monkeys and sold them to the merchant.

After a few days, the merchant announced that he would buy monkeys @ $200 each.
Now also the lazy villagers ran around to catch monkeys and sold the remaining monkeys @ $200 each.

Then the merchant announced that he would buy monkeys @ $500 each. The villagers started to lose sleep. They caught six or seven monkeys, which was all that was left and got $500 each.

The villagers were waiting anxiously for the next announcement.

Then the merchant announced that he was going home for a week. And when he returned, he would buy monkeys @ $1000 each!

He asked his employee to take care of the monkeys he had bought. Whilst the merchant went home, the employee stayed behind, alone, taking care of all the monkeys in a cage.

The villagers were very sad as there were no more monkeys left for them to sell it at $1000 each.

Then the employee told them that he would sell some monkeys @ 700 each secretly. This news spread like wildfire, since the merchant buys monkeys @ $1000 each, there is a $300 profit for each monkey.

The next day, villagers made a queue near the monkey cage. The employee sold all the monkeys at $700 each. The rich bought monkeys in big lots. The poor borrowed money from money lenders and also bought monkeys!

The villagers took care of their monkeys & waited for the merchant to return. But nobody came... Then they ran to the employee. But he had already left too!

The villagers then realized that they bought the useless stray monkeys @ $700 each and were unable to sell them!

The Bitcoin will be the next monkey business. It will make a lot of people bankrupt and a few people filthy rich in this monkey business.

Maybe you Scots could explain this to your non Scottish friends

Oan takin’ a hunner fur Facebook an’ postin’ when pished).

Oh my Goad, am feelin’ great;
Aff tae the dance flair tae gyrate.
Oor kitchen’s lookin’ like a sea
Of glam an’ glitter.
Am clingin’ tae ma bevvy ticht
In case a slitter.

Sippin’ oan ma rum an’ juice;
A must admit, am feelin’ loose,
And dinnae wahnt tae hink aboot
The morra’s heid.
A pray an’ hope ah’ll be jist fine
Efter a feed.

Am lookin’ smashin; whit a stunner!
A drain ma gless doon in a wunner
An’ noo a really feel the need
Tae stert the show;
Grabbin’ ma wee phone fur snaps;
We’re gid tae go.

A summon aw ma lassies through
An’ switch the camera tae front view;
An staun’ an’ gee ma ginger loacks
A soart and fix.
We huddle roon’ an’ wait tae hear
The fast wee clicks.

A shuffle roon’ an’ change ma stance;
We dae some shoats an’ huv a dance,
A feel ma face is braw enough
Fur its ane shoot.
A stagger up and git a pal;
Am pished, nae doot.

Then in the moarn we congregate
An’ wae deep breaths we face oor fate,
An’ try tae fin’ oot whit the Hell
We hink wint oan.
A drag ma erse oot of ma pit
An’ check ma phone.

But then wan photie gee’s me fright;
There must jist no huv bin gid light.
“Git that oaf; ah look like shite!”
Ah flap an’ plead.
But a ken there’s jist nae point;
It’s oan “News Feed”.

There’s mare oanline, a look sae silly;
Am staunin’ wae a blow-up wullie,
Ma cross-eyed heid is gazin’
Intae time an’ space.
Aw shite, ah cannae quite believe
This fine disgrace.

A scrabble tae git them awa’
But hawf ma freens huv seen them aw,
An’ noo a wish a hudnae been
Sae bloody steamin’.
Here come the comments fae ma maw;
Ma cheeks are beamin’.

At the start of the last war Britain could not import enough coal so young conscripts were sometimes required to go work in the mines instead of joining the forces. These were called Bevan boys after the politition who started the scheme.
One young lad who was called up was implored by his new wife not to join the army but rather to volounteer to become a Bevan boy instead, and so the following week he duly arrived at the pithead to start his shift. The foreman told him to go down in a lift to the bottom of the shaft and there he would be given further instructions. On arriving at the bottom he was then told to go along this passage to the end , turn left, go on to the end of the next passage where he would be given new instructions.These journeys went on for about ten minutes until he finally reached the coal face. After a twelve hour toil he arrived back home filthy and exhausted.
"Right," he said to his young wife,"that's it for me. No more mining. Tomorrow I'm off to join the army."
"But we're at war with Germany" she wept.
"I'm not surprised we're at war with Germany" he replied, "We're stealing their feckin coal!"

Before I opened the URL I misread your header. I though you said "old wenches"

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket
So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades."

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD."

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD."

"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."

Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

As a Scot, our range of measurements are as follows;

Miles

Kilometres

Metres

Yards

Feet

Inches

Centimetres

Millimetres

Bawhairs

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied
to
the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free
and
took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored
big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything,
me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno........................................ .... ........



Never found the head.

Sam had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was just finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.

Thank you." As Leon was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he started to leave Leon stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Leon turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear?"

Leon stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us"