A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and
Pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and A salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.
I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me !'
'I got every word,' says the parrot.
'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my pecker around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the post man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'DUNNO - I got an erection and fell off my perch!'
Mick had applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish
firm based in Dublin .
A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar
qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.
The manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the
interview, but we've decided to give the Pole the job."
Mick, "And why would you be doing that?"
"We both got 19 questions correct."
"This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."
Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on
the question you got wrong."
Mick, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"
Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't
know.'
You put down,
'Neither do I.'
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
(oh shut up, and just forward it!)
An Irishman went to confession.
"Father", he confessed, "it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."
The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s."
Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've been having sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.
"Very well", sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary’s."
At mass the next morning as the priest was preparing to deliver the sermon a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redhead entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church were on her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short and she was wearing matching, shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs spread slightly apart ...just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her
husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house
while she labored away, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking
me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and
make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,
potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my plate?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town," he replied.
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ray and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men:
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”
Ray leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
And thus began Ray's life of celibacy.
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband came home. She could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a minute or so, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet. We're out of bread; be back in five minutes."
Absolutely beautiful. Worthy of a wildlife magazine cover. 👍
She is a beautiful child. Good capture.
Absolute beautiful results.
Excellent capture, thanks for sharing.
Beautiful set of photos. My grandmother came from Dingle and you've captured perfectly the memories I have of the area on our visit there 20 years ago. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful Autumn shot, thanks for sharing.