More One=Liners..........Graham
Dec 30, 2018 08:40:59 #
Doing Time.
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Precisely.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Tough Sentencing.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Can You Hear Me Now?.
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
The Right to Remain Silent.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Lost For Words.
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.
Sure About That?
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
The Write Stuff.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.
(Credit: justbadpuns.com)
Not So-Comic Timing.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Early Morning Revelations.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Ode to Tortillas.
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
Velcro.
Velcro - What a rip-off
Vacuum Cleaner.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Bothersome Questions.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Russian Dolls.
I hate Russian dolls they are so full of themselves.
Weighing Every Viewpoint.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Remembering The Good Times.
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
Squeaky Clean Thoughts.
I have a clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.
Late Night Munchies
If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge.
Rock, Paper, Ticket.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Check Your Math.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Supercharged Swine.
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
The Lost Socks.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
The Original iPad.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
All Opposed Say Neigh
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
No Onion, No Cry
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Steve Martin on Success.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Gore Vidal on the Four Most Beautiful Words
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Gore Vidal
Gordie Howe on the Language of Sports.
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
Bonnie McFarlane on the Toughest Language.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
Steven Wright on Language Tapes.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Friendly Competition.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Never Lose a Tank.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory.
Cheers and Beers Graham
098
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
Precisely.
Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
A. I don’t know and I don’t care.
Tough Sentencing.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
Can You Hear Me Now?.
Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.
The Right to Remain Silent.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Lost For Words.
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.
Sure About That?
So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.
The Write Stuff.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.
(Credit: justbadpuns.com)
Not So-Comic Timing.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Early Morning Revelations.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Ode to Tortillas.
I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.
Velcro.
Velcro - What a rip-off
Vacuum Cleaner.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Bothersome Questions.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Russian Dolls.
I hate Russian dolls they are so full of themselves.
Weighing Every Viewpoint.
250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.
Remembering The Good Times.
The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.
Squeaky Clean Thoughts.
I have a clean conscience. I haven't used it once until now.
Late Night Munchies
If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge.
Rock, Paper, Ticket.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Check Your Math.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Supercharged Swine.
A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”
The Lost Socks.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”
The Original iPad.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
All Opposed Say Neigh
“Um.” —First horse that got ridden
No Onion, No Cry
A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Steve Martin on Success.
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Gore Vidal on the Four Most Beautiful Words
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Gore Vidal
Gordie Howe on the Language of Sports.
All pro athletes are bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
Bonnie McFarlane on the Toughest Language.
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
Steven Wright on Language Tapes.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Friendly Competition.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
Never Lose a Tank.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory.
Cheers and Beers Graham
098
Dec 30, 2018 09:08:27 #
StanMac
Loc: Tennessee
Many of these sound like Steven Wright lines. Thanks for the pick-me-up this morning, Graham!
Stan
Stan
Dec 31, 2018 07:30:35 #
These are great, Graham. Being an old English teacher, my favorite is the one about sentences.
Dec 31, 2018 11:30:44 #
I bookmark more of your humorous posts than I do photography topics.
Thanks
Thanks
Dec 31, 2018 14:13:32 #
RS
Loc: W Columbia, SC
I really like these; and now, if you don't mind, I will forwardizationate
them to a few others I feel will like them, also.
them to a few others I feel will like them, also.
Jan 6, 2019 16:08:33 #
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