Colonoscopy...California style
Dec 14, 2018 10:46:58 #
jsmangis wrote:
You are all making me very nervous. I am scheduled to have my very first colonoscopy in February, and this post did not help one bit.
Don't worry, you're in Peoria, IL! It'll be ok. 😄
Dec 14, 2018 11:10:33 #
pentaxion
Loc: Daytona Beach
SteveR wrote:
Let's hope the libs don't come across this. They'll get all of UHH shut down!! 
I'm a liberal. Am I supposed to to be offended by this? Why? I could easily share this with my gay friends for a laugh.
Getting offended over every little thing is a conservative trait, not liberal.
Dec 14, 2018 11:17:01 #
The procedure itself is not troublesome. You'll be under sedation.
The unpleasant part comes the day before, when you have to drink a gallon of a concoction some jerk decided to name "GoLightly." The stuff is consumed 8 oz at a time, with 20 minutes between glassfuls. Takes hours. Starts to work fairly quickly.
You go, but not lightly. The stuff is designed to completely clear your GI tract. Plan on becoming very familiar with the decor of your bathroom. Get some books and magazines, or an iPad. You'll be on the throne for a while ....
The unpleasant part comes the day before, when you have to drink a gallon of a concoction some jerk decided to name "GoLightly." The stuff is consumed 8 oz at a time, with 20 minutes between glassfuls. Takes hours. Starts to work fairly quickly.
You go, but not lightly. The stuff is designed to completely clear your GI tract. Plan on becoming very familiar with the decor of your bathroom. Get some books and magazines, or an iPad. You'll be on the throne for a while ....
Dec 14, 2018 11:18:41 #
I have a friend who has been a colonoscopy nurse with the same doctor for over twenty years, and it can be a difficult job. After all, she's working with a-holes all day.
When I have my colonoscopy done in a couple of weeks, I won't be going to her doctor. That would be awkward for both of us.
Dec 14, 2018 11:19:25 #
jaycoffman
Loc: San Diego
I hope this isn't too long but it never fails to make me laugh and to also have a sigh in relief since I'm over 70 and don't have to have one again.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of artificial lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
=============
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for
the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of artificial lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
=============
Dec 14, 2018 11:30:20 #
BBurns wrote:
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming ... (show quote)
Only in San Fran-Sicko!!!
Dec 14, 2018 12:29:27 #
jsmangis wrote:
I did not mean to scare you. You are all making me very nervous. I am scheduled to have my very first colonoscopy in February, and this post did not help one bit.
Here is the great Scottish comedian Billy Connolly explaining preparations for a colonoscopy.
Dec 14, 2018 12:43:18 #
Bob Locher
Loc: Southwest Oregon
Not to worry. I've had two of them. Far and away the most unpleasant part is the prep - taking the stuff to clean out your system. No pain or anything - it's just that it tastes bad - and then you have to spend a day near a toilet, and no food. The actual procedure is simply not a big deal - and the first five minutes after you wake up you feel so relaxed it is heavenly - and then you start feeling very hungry...
Don't sweat it!
Cheers
Bob Locher
Don't sweat it!
Cheers
Bob Locher
Dec 14, 2018 13:21:51 #
jsmangis wrote:
You are all making me very nervous. I am scheduled to have my very first colonoscopy in February, and this post did not help one bit.
No need to worry, you will probably be sedated and not remember any of it. The hard part is the prep you do at home.
Dec 14, 2018 13:25:32 #
Country Boy wrote:
I have had 3 of them over the years. My first one... (show quote)
You should have been informed before the procedure.
Dec 14, 2018 13:35:21 #
I have had four colonoscopies in the past few years, the worst part is the prep you have to do the night before. They knock you out and you will not feel a thing, do it.
jsmangis wrote:
You are all making me very nervous. I am scheduled to have my very first colonoscopy in February, and this post did not help one bit.
Dec 14, 2018 13:51:12 #
I've had 2 of them. The first one they put me out just as the tube was going down my throat. Yes, they did the upper one first and then the lower one. I don't remember any of it including the talk the doctor says he had with me after the procedure was over and I was supposedly awake. I was very groggy after they kicked me out of there and I got a touch of the dry heaves from the anesthesia.
The second one they did I told them that I was very groggy for hours after the last colonoscopy and that I had the heaves. So they cut down the dose of anesthesia and that was worse. This time they only did the lower part and I felt almost all of it but the drugs they gave me paralyzed me and about all I could do was moan.
But they are correct in that the worse part is the prep. I can't stand the taste of that stuff you drink. Last time, I couldn't drink it all.
The second one they did I told them that I was very groggy for hours after the last colonoscopy and that I had the heaves. So they cut down the dose of anesthesia and that was worse. This time they only did the lower part and I felt almost all of it but the drugs they gave me paralyzed me and about all I could do was moan.
But they are correct in that the worse part is the prep. I can't stand the taste of that stuff you drink. Last time, I couldn't drink it all.
BBurns wrote:
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming ... (show quote)
Dec 14, 2018 13:52:00 #
More like something the humorless religious right wing would do. The liberals might start a whole thread on why it wasn't funny but actually hurtful. Good thing we still have the first amendment,.
Dec 14, 2018 15:57:39 #
Dec 14, 2018 16:28:14 #
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