Golf Jokes
Jul 1, 2018 23:48:11 #
If you would be willing, please post your best golf joke. Thank you
Jul 2, 2018 03:00:39 #
Two lady golfers tee'd off, the first one hit a beauty that sailed over the horizon, but she heard a scream, "Oh my god, I've hit somebody". On reaching the Green she found a man clutching his groin with both hands and still crying out in pain. She prised his hands away from his groin and pulled his zipper down..took out his penis and caressed it and gently kissed it, saying "There there now". After a while he calmed down she popped it back and zipped him up and said "is that better now?".... "Thank you" he said.."But I still think my thumb nail will turn black and drop off!!"
Jul 2, 2018 05:47:02 #
Jul 2, 2018 07:04:04 #
A golfer goes to confession and tells the priest that he had used the F word. He goes on to explain that he was at a nearby course on the dog-leg right on the back nine. The priest says that he knows the course and the hole quite well. The man continues and says that his fourth shot should have put him on the green of the par 5 hole. A bad slice brought him down to the brook and hitting a large rock, ricocheted off and striking the large oak to the left, ended up on the green about two feet from the cup.
The priest says, don't tell me you missed the F'N putt!
The priest says, don't tell me you missed the F'N putt!
Jul 2, 2018 07:41:27 #
Infinite Imager
Loc: California
A golfer who was playing the course with his wife was rushed with her to the hospital after his ball had hit her and penetrated her forehead. The doctor came out of the operating room and told him she had passed away from his errant shot. The doctor told him that he found two balls in her to which the husband replied.....mulligan.
Jul 2, 2018 07:42:38 #
Jul 2, 2018 08:17:19 #
a golfer visits a new course for the first time. As he prepares to take a swing at the ball, a golf Pro over the speaker in the clubhouse comes on and says "Excuse me sir, but the Men's Tees are behind you". The golfer ignores the voice and again prepares to take a swing when the voice comes on a bit louder and a bit more forceful and says that the Men's Tees are behind him. Again he ignores the voice and prepares his swing. This time the voice is very loud and forceful and says, "Sir, the Men's Tees are behind you, you are on the Women's Tees". The guy finally turns around and says to a bystander, "can someone please go tell the Pro in the clubhouse that this is my second shot"
Jul 2, 2018 08:26:04 #
By convention, if the first shot didn’t make it past the lady’s tees, he had to drop his trousers. The pro in the shop would have them known it was his second shot and left him alone lol.
Jul 2, 2018 08:33:39 #
The preacher was an avid golfer, but it had been raining all week. Sunday morning comes and the clouds are all gone, the birds are chirping and the golf course was both immaculate and empty. Then the temptation hit him. "I could call in 'sick' and play a round all by myself. Who would know?" So he does. He calls the associate pastor and packs up his clubs to hit the course.
On #1 he hits a perfect drive, followed by the best 3 wood shot of his life and he's on the par 5 green in 2. Then he sinks the 30 foot put for eagle.
On #2, he hits a poor drive that hits the cart path, a tree, and then a sprinkler head, right in the middle of the fairway. A perfect 5 iron and a tap in birdie.
By now his miraculous round is drawing the attention of a few angels in heaven...
#3 148 yard par 3. The preacher HOLES OUT from the tee. 5 under in 3 holes.
At this time one of the onlooking angels beseeches God with the question. "Why would you let this guy have such a great round when he is skipping YOUR service to go play?"
And God said with a wide smile, "Who's he going to TELL?"
On #1 he hits a perfect drive, followed by the best 3 wood shot of his life and he's on the par 5 green in 2. Then he sinks the 30 foot put for eagle.
On #2, he hits a poor drive that hits the cart path, a tree, and then a sprinkler head, right in the middle of the fairway. A perfect 5 iron and a tap in birdie.
By now his miraculous round is drawing the attention of a few angels in heaven...
#3 148 yard par 3. The preacher HOLES OUT from the tee. 5 under in 3 holes.
At this time one of the onlooking angels beseeches God with the question. "Why would you let this guy have such a great round when he is skipping YOUR service to go play?"
And God said with a wide smile, "Who's he going to TELL?"
Jul 2, 2018 09:01:30 #
dpfoto
Loc: Cape Coral, FL
I used to play golf a lot... At least twice a week. Then my joystick quit working.
Jul 2, 2018 09:34:06 #
A man and his wife are playing the 5th hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her instantly.
Two years later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her instantly.
Two years later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
Jul 2, 2018 09:45:28 #
A detective responds to a call from a man who says he had just killed his wife in their home. As he inspects the crime scene, he asks the husband if this is the bloody golf club he used to dispatch her to which he acknowledged that it was. The detective looks closely at the wife laying on the floor and notices five distinct bruises on her head.
The detective asks, the husband as he is writing down his notes, "Did you swing at your wife five times with this golf club?" With the most embarrassed look on his face, the husband responds, "Yes, but could you put me down for four?"
The detective asks, the husband as he is writing down his notes, "Did you swing at your wife five times with this golf club?" With the most embarrassed look on his face, the husband responds, "Yes, but could you put me down for four?"
Jul 2, 2018 09:49:39 #
Jul 2, 2018 10:00:17 #
sippyjug104 wrote:
A detective responds to a call from a man who says... (show quote)
They're all funny, but this the only one I hadn't heard before. Funny!
Jul 2, 2018 10:41:47 #
jrconcours
Loc: Ocean View, DE
A golfer is standing over his second shot of 258 yards to the 18th green and he would not hit the ball. When asked why by his buddies he says he is waiting for his wife to turn around on the clubhouse veranda so she can see the shot. One of his buddies then says aw hell hit the ball you can't reach her!
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