The brilliance of Steven Wright....
Dec 1, 2017 15:42:43 #
Enjoy,
Mark
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average. ...
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
36 - My friend married a trophy wife.....she’s obviously not first place
37 - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died
38 - Anywhere is walking distance. If you have the time.
Mark
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average. ...
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
36 - My friend married a trophy wife.....she’s obviously not first place
37 - I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died
38 - Anywhere is walking distance. If you have the time.
Dec 1, 2017 15:59:26 #
Dec 1, 2017 16:03:32 #
Dec 1, 2017 17:33:00 #
Dec 1, 2017 17:33:30 #
Dec 2, 2017 06:46:21 #
OMG - I love Steven Wright! Thanks Mark.
Have been to his shows many times. I started collecting his quotes years ago. Here are a few more:
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Have been to his shows many times. I started collecting his quotes years ago. Here are a few more:
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Dec 2, 2017 08:41:29 #
Dec 2, 2017 09:06:47 #
yssirk123 wrote:
OMG - I love Steven Wright! Thanks Mark. br br ... (show quote)
How about this one:
I bought a pack of batteries...but they weren’t included.
Dec 2, 2017 09:07:11 #
Dec 2, 2017 09:12:39 #
Thanks!! Still laughing.
Mark
Mark
yssirk123 wrote:
OMG - I love Steven Wright! Thanks Mark. br br ... (show quote)
Dec 2, 2017 09:18:00 #
Indi wrote:
How about this one:
I bought a pack of batteries...but they weren’t included.
I bought a pack of batteries...but they weren’t included.
Mark
Dec 2, 2017 09:44:00 #
Dec 2, 2017 09:59:14 #
Dec 2, 2017 10:20:52 #
My pleasure.
Mark
Mark
Bullittjon wrote:
Thanks Mark. Good to laugh first thing on a Sat. morning. Love Steven W.
Dec 2, 2017 11:33:06 #
RS
Loc: W Columbia, SC
I agree with the others; this is just the kind of thought(s) I can use in this time.
And, I hope you don't mind, but those thoughts will soonly get forwardizationated by me, too.
And, I hope you don't mind, but those thoughts will soonly get forwardizationated by me, too.
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