The Gray-Haired Terrorist

Yesterday I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the "Walmartians" is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment. But, I digress -- enough of my psychological fixations. While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?" "No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought this was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the "Walmartian" queried, "When was that?" God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?" "It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way too much fun!

"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?" "Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage." The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had! Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap. Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

I disagree. I was doing a forensic architecture investigation and had my late wife's dog guide with me all dressed as he was in public. She was in the hospital for a couple of weeks. One of the laborers asked what kind of dog and I responded a dog guide for the blind. He asked how I was able to do the inspection and I said I was using an AF camera and had staff explain the photos when I got back. He totally believed it and had the other workers so convinced. I just finished the job and left with the dog. Never once touching the harness to break his training or confuse him.