Irish Jokes
Aug 19, 2015 15:23:06 #
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
**************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have
ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three
times to pee."
************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
that damn gun...'
*******************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but
says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
**************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have
ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three
times to pee."
************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
that damn gun...'
*******************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but
says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
Aug 19, 2015 16:11:54 #
Here's a few more. God bless the Irish.
His wife had been killed in an automobile accident and the police were questioning Flanagan.
"Did she say anything before she died"?, asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years!", said the Irishman.
-----------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies,
"Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
----------------------------------------------------------
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,
"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said,
"Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said,
"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that, your husband,
John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts.
He's only been there twice.
The first time he fell asleep.
The second time, I had to pull him out by the ears."
---------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
Sean replied,
"Well, then between the two of us, we got 'em all."
------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves sawmill jobs. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled,
"Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied.
"I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this.
Damn! There goes another one!"
------------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,
"I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!," responded McMaken.
--
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Sean,
my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub.
That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,
10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's cropsprayer,
with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes.
My military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke,
my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
There's just no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"
---------------------------------------------------------------
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said,
"What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said,
"I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth.
She went to church every single morning,
She spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures,
She sang hymns and psalms all evening,
She filled our house with religious statues and paintings,
She invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied.
"I strangled the bitch."
----------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression,
that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment & then Father O'Malley
replied:
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
His wife had been killed in an automobile accident and the police were questioning Flanagan.
"Did she say anything before she died"?, asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years!", said the Irishman.
-----------------------------------------
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies,
"Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
----------------------------------------------------------
John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the evening,
"Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."
When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said,
"I won the contest for the best toast of the evening."
His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said,
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."
His wife then said,
"Why John, that's so nice of you to include me in your Toast."
The next morning, Mrs. O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters meeting with John O'Riley. He said,
"Hello Mrs. O'Riley, that was some great toast that, your husband,
John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening. He won first prize".
"Yes, that's right," said Mrs. O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts.
He's only been there twice.
The first time he fell asleep.
The second time, I had to pull him out by the ears."
---------------------------------------------------
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
Sean replied,
"Well, then between the two of us, we got 'em all."
------------------------------------------------------
Pat & Mick landed themselves sawmill jobs. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled,
"Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied.
"I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this.
Damn! There goes another one!"
------------------------------------------------------
Mahoney said to his friend McMaken,
"I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!," responded McMaken.
--
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moments calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Sean,
my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub.
That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"OK," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy calls back.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Bill asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers,
10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"I'll be dogged!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Ted's cropsprayer,
with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says,
"I must tell you Paddy that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes.
My military installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last spoke,
my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
"Right Mr. Clinton, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
There's just no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"
---------------------------------------------------------------
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said,
"What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said,
"I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth.
She went to church every single morning,
She spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures,
She sang hymns and psalms all evening,
She filled our house with religious statues and paintings,
She invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented,
I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied.
"I strangled the bitch."
----------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded:
"Well now father, it was always my impression,
that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment & then Father O'Malley
replied:
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
Aug 19, 2015 16:29:01 #
Aug 20, 2015 08:59:40 #
Aug 20, 2015 19:06:28 #
Aug 20, 2015 21:09:51 #
Aug 20, 2015 22:28:17 #
Pat and Mike were friends for several years. They were in each others wedding, their children's weddings, their wife's funerals. Now Mike is on his death bed and asks Pat for a final favor. "After my casket is covered and everyone else is gone, would you start a yearly celebration of our lifelong friendship by pouring a bottle of fine Irish Whiskey over me grave?"
Pat thinks for a second and replies, "Would it be alright if I ran it through me body first?"
Pat thinks for a second and replies, "Would it be alright if I ran it through me body first?"
Aug 20, 2015 22:50:47 #
If you want to reply, then register here. Registration is free and your account is created instantly, so you can post right away.