Remoman Loc: Someplace Remote Near LA

Real flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.
We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.
It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking.
I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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Why Don't Big Planes Have Baby Planes?

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Your mother can explain that to you.

tlbuljac Loc: Oklahoma

all are hilarious and I can just see the look on the mothers face trying to explain the last one hahaha :thumbup:

Sdaupanner Loc: South Dakota /New England

Lord just when I thought I had heard the best of the best the last one comes along ..... Thanks a Bunch for the laugh!!!

Birdguide Loc: Ormond Beach, FL

Very amusing,thanks for sharing. :thumbup: :thumbup:

Julian Loc: Sarasota, FL

I had heard most of those while flying Southwest Airlines. I believe they are the ones who started it. Thanks

twitcher32 Loc: North Carolina/Costa Rica

these cracked me up completely

bbboomer Loc: Kingwood,Texas

Great stuff! My wife is a flight attendant(25+ yrs) and has done a few of these "creative" announcements. This one by a SW air flight attendant is the best I have seen.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMWCr1-kmKM

Danilo Loc: Las Vegas

Funny stuff there, Remoman. Great way to start a Sunday! :lol: :lol: :lol:

ttlthor Loc: Grapevine, Texas

It's good to see a little levity in an atmosphere where using the wrong word or phrase in even an innocent way can get you removed from a flight or in deep legal caca. I'm reminded of a comedian talking to a seatmate about the previous nights performance having bombed. He was overheard, and taken out of context. Don't recall the outcome, but you can imagine it probably involved air marshalls. It's great to see someone having fun, now and then.

Remoman Loc: Someplace Remote Near LA

Here are a couple more that I hesitated to post, but with with some of the other very explicit postings, I guess I am OK doing it.

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The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, If you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Biatch."

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A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York.
During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow.
The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his traytable.
The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation.
He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their traytables.
By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom.
To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."