Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

25 of Spike Milligan’s wittiest jokes and one-liners

Genius, they say, is next to madness. Never was this saying truer than with Spike Milligan.

What appeals to me about Spike Milligan's
style is imagination in creating surreal images. I cannot think of another comedian who produced such a stream of original material.

"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."

After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I don't mind dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.
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Spike Milligan and the Goons

One reason that Spike Milligan is revered by Englishmen of a certain age is that Radio was Spike's
best medium. As a boy back in the 1950's
radio was all we
had, there was no TV. In those days the goon show had us spellbound in a way that Harry Potter captivates the current generation. To tell the truth back then, I did not think of Spike Milligan but
only of the characters he brought to life: Eccles, Fred Fu Manchu, and
Bowser. Later I discovered that it was Peter Sellers who played Bloodnok, Bluebottle and Henry Crun, while Harry Secombe played Neddie Seagoon. Even later I discovered that other characters were
played by all manner of people; two of note were Michael Bentine and surprisingly, Ray Ellington.

Jokes from the Goon Show

Bloodnok:
I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't
know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's
shop.

Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't
got one.
Seagoon: Don't
worry, We've brought one with us.

Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't
order any cases of frozen feet!

Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.


At a distance of 50 years, it's
hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era. To give one example, with the nonsense song Ying tong Spike Milligan reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956.

As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.

Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i
po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!

Spike Milligan's Irreverence

Comedians
are notorious for gently taking the Mickey out of politicians and any other dignitaries that they meet. Perhaps the incident which best sums up Spike
Milligan's
irreverence and ability to shock was when in 1994 he called the Prince of Wales, 'a grovelling little bastard'. However, while the phrase is widely quoted, it does require context. The Prince of
Wales had been a Goon fan since childhood, Spike Milligan and Prince Charles first met in 1969. The quip was in response to a letter that the Prince of Wales wrote congratulating Spike
on his lifetime comedy award. Nevertheless, it was a shocking thing to say live on stage.


More Spike Milligan Jokes

Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?'

Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

All men are cremated equal.

Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
2B, or not 2B?'

I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy.

Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness
Somebody: what's that?
Spike: climb a tree.

Spike Milligan Epitaph - 'I told you I was ill'


Perry Gamsby reminded us of this great excerpt from the Goon Show

Eccles: 'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!'
Seagoon: 'But you can see through it!'

Eccles: 'Not if you close your eyes!'
Seagoon: 'You're right!'
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Footnote:
Eccles was played by Spike himself, and Neddie Seagoon was played by
Harry Secombe
-----

Parkinson: 'Spike Milligan, welcome to the show.'
Spike (Face like thunder) : 'I've got a complaint.'

Parkinson (Warily) : 'What is it?'
Spike: 'Leprosy.'

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

“And God said, ‘Let there be light’, and there was light, but the electricity board said he would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”

“I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”

“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”

“The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.”

“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

“Money couldn’t buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.”
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Taken from an early Goons episode of 1951, the gag centred around a man telephoning for help after discovering a body. It plays out as follows:

Michael Bentine: “I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.”

Peter Sellers: “Oh, is he dead?”

Bentine: “I think so.”

Sellers: “Hadn’t you better make sure?”

Bentine: “All right. Just a minute.”

Sound of two gun shots.

Bentine: “He’s dead.”

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JADAV

Spike Milligan's genius lay in has ability to turn everyday phrases and situations into jokes that no one previously had perceived. My favourite gag from the Goons was between Bluebottle and Eccles where the latter finds himself locked in a room:
Bluebottle from the other side of the door "Why don't you try turning the knob on your side?"
Eccles replies thoughtfully "Der, I haven't got a knob on my side!".

Dipper

This is something I heard so I cannot vouch for its validity.
During WW2 gunner Milligan somehow let a cannon role back down a hill.
As he tried to retrieve it, he ran down the hill and passed a group of soldiers, he shouted "Has anyone seen a cannon rolling past here?"
Someone replied, "What colour was it?"
That soldier was Harry Seacombe and that was the start of a lifelong friendship.

limey

I remember many happy hours listening to The Goon Show. Incredible that their influence is still felt today. One episode I remember is when Neddy Seagoon is being chased up the stairs of a lighthouse by a giant octopus. There is a sound of a door slamming, followed by a scream. Someone (I don’t know who) says Why is he screaming? And Neddy says Wouldn’t you scream if your tentacles were slammed in a door?
Their irreverence was not restricted to Charlie. On her wedding day the goons wrote that it was a sheer coincidence that they had the same opening day. They pointed out that they had rehearsals but couldn’t say whether the same was true for Anne.

tuatara Loc: Orig. NZ - currently SF area

I to grew up listening to the Goons, I still listen occasionally, there's at web station from Canada the plays episodes intermittently, I think there is also one in Australia. There are many excellent skits but one of my all time favourites is, what time is it eccles. Circular reasoning at it's very best.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rKPe3APcPI