More British humour
Jan 16, 2013 17:11:13 #
To my dear new friends from across the pond, I thought I'd provide you with a few more examples of British humour - there were a few more examples but I definitely couldn't include them!!! I hope no-one takes offence....
Definitely not politically correct ....but who gives a rats @rse!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up .
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her a*se. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her bits on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were you before you realised it was caught"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. (Stella is a brand of strong lager beer which also has the nickname "wife beater." Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk" husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "Harro! take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside room" she does, "ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Your probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your a*se.
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types and he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed and said he wasnt sure and asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again and said:
"You can't fool me, its an old sh*thouse door off a fishin boat!"
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says "I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" the woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says "but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Definitely not politically correct ....but who gives a rats @rse!
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up .
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her a*se. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her bits on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were you before you realised it was caught"
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. (Stella is a brand of strong lager beer which also has the nickname "wife beater." Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach, I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk" husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing?
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "Harro! take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside room" she does, "ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Your probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your a*se.
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell.
They tested him on different types and he guessed right every time.
To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
He sniffed and said he wasnt sure and asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again and said:
"You can't fool me, its an old sh*thouse door off a fishin boat!"
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says "I cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?" the woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says "but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!"
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Jan 16, 2013 18:48:54 #
Jan 17, 2013 05:58:07 #
Jan 17, 2013 07:07:18 #
Jan 17, 2013 07:47:49 #
Nikonman
Loc: Harrogate. North Yorkshire. UK
It can also be difficult to understand here in the UK !!
Jan 17, 2013 09:43:50 #
Jan 17, 2013 10:06:24 #
elandel
Loc: Milan, Italy
Nikonman wrote:
It can also be difficult to understand here in the UK !!
Good one :mrgreen:
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