sarge69 Loc: Ft Myers, FL

I got this one day at work. I was laughing so hard in my IT Room, folks knocked on the window to see if I was alright. You have to visualize this guy sitting there. You might make it through # 3 before you start making a fool out of yourself reading and laughing.

This is dangerous to monitors and keyboards or anything closer than 5 feet from your mouth if you are drinking anything.

Sarge69

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CHILI CONTEST

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

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Regardless of how many times I have read this, I can't make it past #5 without starting to laugh uncontrollably. My wife says ' Are you reading that Chili thingy again in there ?'

Sarge69

Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

Sarge

Excellent. I had to have a break I was laughing that much. Cheers mate.

Graham. Thirkill

jadeast Loc: Virginia

Thanks for the warning Sarge! The front of my shirt is wet with tears from laughing so hard and my stomach muscles ache but I did save my monitor and keyboard!

sarge69 Loc: Ft Myers, FL

Must be common with that skit. Loved it for years now. I keep a printed copy in a desk and let friends read it. Keeps them from eating too much.

Sarge69

jadeast Loc: Virginia

Gotta use care who you send that to. Don't want to cause any fatal episodes!

CJartist Loc: Ormond Beach

You are right no matter how many times you read it, it is a riot.

sarge69 Loc: Ft Myers, FL

I know. You start reading it and make it down three or four courses and start giggling, then busting out laughing and then doubling over. It's like an avalanche.

Sarge69

Chappy0617 Loc: Phoenix, Az

Made it to 8 and thats when the tears started and the pain in right side.

tramsey Loc: Texas

Thanks for the warning, made it to #3 before I had to take a break. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

redpepper Loc: Central NY

OMG! Im reading this with my morning coffee and had to put it down for fear of dumping coffee everywhere! I'm.laughing so hard my eyes are tearing. Funny thing is it reminded me of when my pastor attempted a.chili cookoff at our church and I was.thinking of sharing the page with her until 1/2 way thru. Thanks for the pick me up on a Friday!

coondog Loc: Lost in Vermont

Hysterical. :thumbup: :thumbup:

BboH Loc: s of 2/21, Ellicott City, MD

Thats a continuous laugh - good one Sarge.

bobmcculloch Loc: NYC, NY

An old reliable

workhorse Loc: Nashville, TN

It's even funnier if you have been Judge #3. The wife just said "You're on UHH again, aren't you?" I get into trouble when I get on here. :lol: :lol:

cspear42 Loc: New Mexico

Great way to end the week, LMAO!!!