A joke with a moral
Dec 1, 2012 10:40:32 #
Obviously the first part of the following message is a joke, but the last portion is true, so please read to the end.
Sorry it's so long.
The Joke
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ..
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11.. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12.. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
The next portion is true.
Earlier this year, my wife experienced some intestinal problems that eventually convinced her to go to the doctors. Initially the doctors thought that it was a fairly minor problem and treated the problem over several months with a rectal cream. It was only after the problem didn't clear up that she was referred to a specialist, who gave her a colonoscopy.
This was the day when I felt like I had been hit by a freight train travelling at full speed. She was diagnosed on the spot as having rectal cancer. (Even though the news gets better, I can still cry when I think about this day).
It was May this year when she was diagnosed, at which time she was immediately referred to several specialists, who initiated an aggressive regime of Chemo, Radiation and more recently surgery.
Following here surgery, she was informed that the pathological tests on the removed tissue, was cancer free. She now has to undergo a further six months of chemo treatment to eradicate any stray cancer cells that may be left in her body, after which her doctors are saying she will be 100% cured.
The moral of this story is: Don't mess around with this stuff. If you have any symptoms, which raise suspicion, go to see your doctor immediately. If it hadn't have been for the small amount of blood in her stool, my wife would never have suspected that she had cancer, because she didn't experience any pain at any time during her illness (other than after surgery).
Even though she is now entering the final stages of her treatment (if you can call six months of chemo, the final stages), we are both moving into this phase with a very positive attitude.
I only share this story because I believe that if it only helps one person avoid a catastrophic health issue, it will be well worth it.
Take care my friends and look after your health and the health of your loved ones.
Cheers
John
Sorry it's so long.
The Joke
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis ..
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it.. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10.. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11.. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12.. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
The next portion is true.
Earlier this year, my wife experienced some intestinal problems that eventually convinced her to go to the doctors. Initially the doctors thought that it was a fairly minor problem and treated the problem over several months with a rectal cream. It was only after the problem didn't clear up that she was referred to a specialist, who gave her a colonoscopy.
This was the day when I felt like I had been hit by a freight train travelling at full speed. She was diagnosed on the spot as having rectal cancer. (Even though the news gets better, I can still cry when I think about this day).
It was May this year when she was diagnosed, at which time she was immediately referred to several specialists, who initiated an aggressive regime of Chemo, Radiation and more recently surgery.
Following here surgery, she was informed that the pathological tests on the removed tissue, was cancer free. She now has to undergo a further six months of chemo treatment to eradicate any stray cancer cells that may be left in her body, after which her doctors are saying she will be 100% cured.
The moral of this story is: Don't mess around with this stuff. If you have any symptoms, which raise suspicion, go to see your doctor immediately. If it hadn't have been for the small amount of blood in her stool, my wife would never have suspected that she had cancer, because she didn't experience any pain at any time during her illness (other than after surgery).
Even though she is now entering the final stages of her treatment (if you can call six months of chemo, the final stages), we are both moving into this phase with a very positive attitude.
I only share this story because I believe that if it only helps one person avoid a catastrophic health issue, it will be well worth it.
Take care my friends and look after your health and the health of your loved ones.
Cheers
John
Dec 1, 2012 13:03:34 #
Oh man! I laughed all the way through the joke section; that is the funniest stuff I have ever read.
I am a cancer survivor. Had colon surgery in 1997 and they thought I was then clear of any cancer cells but almost exactly a year later (1998) the symptoms returned and once more I was cut open and another few feet of colon removed. This was followed by six months of chemo and here I am now, 14 years later, cancer free as far as I know. After the surgery I had colonoscopies yearly at first; then bi-yearly and am now on a three-year regimen.
NOTLguy, I only hope anyone in their fifties takes good note of your advice and speak with their doc about this.
My original symptom was a bit of blood in my stools which was easy to dismiss as haemeroids but a bit of self diagnosis in the bathroom with a flashlight and a shaving mirror (don't think too hard about it!) and I plucked up courage and commited to my first colonoscopy.
The MoviPrep was a very similar product to mine but in my case it was "GoLitely" You think these product companies have a warped sense of humor?! You wouldn't think a gallon of the stuff was any big deal remembering how in my youth a night at the local pub closely approached that quantity in my madder moments but as I struggled to consume this GoLitely I could not help but feel sympathy for those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba undergoing waterboarding torture!.
Like you my friend I have made it a mission to encourage friends to have a colonoscopy and perhaps the funniest moment was at our local university fitness center when I was on a stationary bike working out and got into a discussion with a lady who was not previously known to me, on the adjacent bike, about keeping fit (I'm 74 this month and workout three mornings a week)
We covered all the usual, eat right and exercise stuff when I suddenly felt moved to ask her if she had had a colonoscopy as I ventured to guess she was in her late fifties. She turned towards me, stopped pedaling, shook her head and said " Hell, Pete, that's the most original pick-up line I have ever heard!"
It was about a month later she hollered at me across SIUE parking lot. "Hey, Pete, had it done and it's all clear!"
She was the fourth person I have persuaded to have the procedure and they have all been clear but one and his cancer was caught well in time. So yes my friend, it is a
crusade well worth fighting and a bit of humor helps the decision making as long as folk don't take everything too literally.
Hey, I'm still laughing over the Muppet joke!
I am a cancer survivor. Had colon surgery in 1997 and they thought I was then clear of any cancer cells but almost exactly a year later (1998) the symptoms returned and once more I was cut open and another few feet of colon removed. This was followed by six months of chemo and here I am now, 14 years later, cancer free as far as I know. After the surgery I had colonoscopies yearly at first; then bi-yearly and am now on a three-year regimen.
NOTLguy, I only hope anyone in their fifties takes good note of your advice and speak with their doc about this.
My original symptom was a bit of blood in my stools which was easy to dismiss as haemeroids but a bit of self diagnosis in the bathroom with a flashlight and a shaving mirror (don't think too hard about it!) and I plucked up courage and commited to my first colonoscopy.
The MoviPrep was a very similar product to mine but in my case it was "GoLitely" You think these product companies have a warped sense of humor?! You wouldn't think a gallon of the stuff was any big deal remembering how in my youth a night at the local pub closely approached that quantity in my madder moments but as I struggled to consume this GoLitely I could not help but feel sympathy for those prisoners at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba undergoing waterboarding torture!.
Like you my friend I have made it a mission to encourage friends to have a colonoscopy and perhaps the funniest moment was at our local university fitness center when I was on a stationary bike working out and got into a discussion with a lady who was not previously known to me, on the adjacent bike, about keeping fit (I'm 74 this month and workout three mornings a week)
We covered all the usual, eat right and exercise stuff when I suddenly felt moved to ask her if she had had a colonoscopy as I ventured to guess she was in her late fifties. She turned towards me, stopped pedaling, shook her head and said " Hell, Pete, that's the most original pick-up line I have ever heard!"
It was about a month later she hollered at me across SIUE parking lot. "Hey, Pete, had it done and it's all clear!"
She was the fourth person I have persuaded to have the procedure and they have all been clear but one and his cancer was caught well in time. So yes my friend, it is a
crusade well worth fighting and a bit of humor helps the decision making as long as folk don't take everything too literally.
Hey, I'm still laughing over the Muppet joke!
Dec 2, 2012 09:51:47 #
i have never...never read anything i laughed about more than your rectal video and photo shoot! yes i had it done and received photos with the report. i was also touched by your story about your wife. i've been married 40 yrs and cannot imagine your feelings and thoughts. thank you for taking the time to share. ever thought of writing a book?
Dec 2, 2012 10:37:00 #
I guess it's only after experiencing the journey of a colonoscopy, that you can really appreciate the humour. I have had about four procedures (thankfully all clear), so I really "get it".
Also thanks for your kind words for my wife. She is hanging tough, and with mountains of help from our friends, neighbours and family, we are both coping well with this challenge.
Cheers
John
Also thanks for your kind words for my wife. She is hanging tough, and with mountains of help from our friends, neighbours and family, we are both coping well with this challenge.
Cheers
John
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