NOTLguy Loc: Niagara on the Lake, Ontario

Those of you who don't know Tommy Cooper, he was a British comedian famous for his 'one liners'

Old ones, but still funny


Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual.'

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

'No, because he's really heavy'

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'

'Well, you can't say fairer than that'

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

viscountdriver Loc: East Kent UK

Tommy Cooper was one of the greatest comedians of all times but you had to be tuned in to his humour.

farmerjim Loc: Rugby, England

Thanks for those gems :thumbup:
I loved Tommy, do you know this true story?
He was on stage in Leeds and got a taxi from the station, the taxi driver immediately recognized Tom [he was unmistakeable, 6foot 6 and a giant of a man]
" Mr Cooper" he said "I'm one of your greatest fans" etc, etc.
When they arrived at his hotel Tommy paid his fare and thrust something into the driver's top pocket saying
"Thanks son, have a drink on me."
Later the driver retrieved what was in his pocket, it wasn't a fiver, it was a tea-bag! :thumbup:

Jolly Roger Loc: Dorset. UK

Really funny :thumbup: Tommy Cooper was such a brilliant stage performer.

The jokes remind me of a friend of mine.
He had a terrible addiction for drinking Brake Fluid.
I tried and tried to make him quit.
All he said to me was that he could stop anytime.

madcapmagishion

Must be a British thing! :roll:

photopop44 Loc: Roun Drock, Texas

I love this kind of stuff when I can figure it out. I start off thinking "What the hell is an Aerial?" Burst into laughter!! Some of it sounds like Grouch, a funny guy from my childhood.

NOTLguy Loc: Niagara on the Lake, Ontario

Yes, you either get it or you don't

NOTLguy Loc: Niagara on the Lake, Ontario

Did he have "ABS" (addictive booze syndrome)


:wink:

Jolly Roger Loc: Dorset. UK

You could be right. That's bringing it into the twenty first century.
:lol: