A little humour with your morning coffee
Nov 27, 2012 02:44:00 #
A little humour
1...Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
2...Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
3...Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
4...Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
5...Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
6...Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
7...Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
8...Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
9...A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
10...A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
11...Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
1...Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
2...Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
3...Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
4...Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile... Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
5...Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'
6...Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.'
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
7...Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
8...Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
9...A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
10...A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
11...Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said, 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
Nov 27, 2012 03:16:15 #
Man and woman in bed, when the sound of a key in the front door. "Oh my god it`s my husband,hide in the wardrobe",which the man does. A little voice says "dark in here aint it mister. Give me £5 and I will keep quiet." Which the man does. Later full of remorse, the boy tells his mother. "You little bastard, go to confession now", which the boy does. On entering the box the boy says "Dark in here aint it mister" The reply was " Jesus Christ don`t start that again".
Nov 27, 2012 07:10:43 #
Nov 27, 2012 08:09:21 #
Nov 27, 2012 08:39:16 #
Nov 27, 2012 08:40:02 #
sarge69 wrote:
Good ones. Hope you don't mind I cut and pasted for my friends.
Sarge69
Sarge69
Not a problem Sarge, hope they enjoy it as much as I did
Nov 27, 2012 17:15:59 #
Nov 28, 2012 08:32:33 #
Nov 28, 2012 09:07:49 #
photopop44
Loc: Roun Drock, Texas
Number 5; I was laughing aloud two lines before the punch line. I saw it coming. Great stuff!
Nov 28, 2012 10:56:35 #
Nov 28, 2012 11:29:15 #
Nov 28, 2012 11:35:39 #
Nov 28, 2012 13:38:22 #
Cracker ,keep them coming,kicked off the day with a good laugh,Thanks
Nov 28, 2012 14:07:05 #
Nov 28, 2012 14:07:52 #
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