Advice for an old guy...

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Sarge69


Try some of these Tim Vine jokes.

Tim vine jokes you are allowed to use

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Did you hear about the fight in the biscuit tin?
The bandit hit the penguin over the head with a club, tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon and made his breakaway in a taxi!

The recruitment consultant asked me, 'What do you think of voluntary work?' I said, 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

thought

Age is important only if you’re: cheese or wine.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Apparently this is a true story:
When WC Fields, the actor, was in his dotage he was seen to be reading the Bible by a close friend who demanded to know what he was looking for.

'Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes,' murmured Fields.

Funny Senior Texting Moments
Senior Texting Codes Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas. Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:
Top 10 Senior Texting Codes
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
'I don't drink anymore; I can get the same feeling from standing up quickly.'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nx9EIMiGaJ0


:thumbup: :thumbup:

Maybe - My Camero Rally Sport used to get 2 blondes and a brunette in a block or so.

Sarge69

Maybe - My Camero Rally Sport used to get 2 blondes and a brunette in a block or so.

Sarge69