The Trouble with Thanksgiving the day not the process...
Nov 19, 2012 10:36:25 #
It has been said that gratitude is the great connector between outer and inner peace. We as a nation have set aside one day to express our gratitude both communally and individually. I am as thankful as the next guy in fact, my expression of gratitude to others often manifests itself in ways that others find surprising. I am especially thankful for those people that have come into my life through marriage. Why is it that these people must continually challenge my gratitude in ways I could never imagine?
My wife's mother is in her early 70's. She has some health issues that require medication. One particular medication she takes has side effects that make her very self conscious as they display as nervous ticks. She is quite comfortable around her two children and two grandchildren but shies away from groups that include people not familiar with her condition. She volunteers at her local senior center and is fairly active in her local community of people in her age group.
This year my wife's sister's husband's sister (yeah I typed that) is hosting a huge family gathering for Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law is also my business partner so we are in continuous contact. He comes from a large family - he has six sisters. So when they get together for one of these shindigs there are close to 40 people in attendance. In the eleven years I have been married into this clan I have found these gatherings overwhelming at times so I can understand my mother-in-law's apprehension because there are always new faces to meet. She is keenly aware that she can easily be mistaken for someone with special needs and wishes to avoid the embarrassment that comes with such social interactions and quite frankly my wife and I wanted to spend a quiet holiday and have rejected several invitations this year.
The Gist
My brother-in-law called me that he and my wife's sister that my wife's mother did not want to go with them to the family party and since we (my wife and I) had already declined suggested that we to my mother-in-law's house or invite her over to our place so she and her husband would not be alone. I love my mother-in-law. She was my employee and that's how I met my wife through her introduction. We called her to check if she was up to coming by our place or could we come over to hers. She said she would love to have us but her oven had quit working and the repairman said that she should replace it. We went to Lowe's and had a new range sent to her it is getting there today. We also told her that she didn't have to cook we would cook everything so she and her husband (3rd or 4th can't remember) didn't have to do anything. She and her husband loved that idea...just the four of us...no embarrassment.
Well, yesterday my wife's sister hit the roof. She is upset because we are cooking dinner for HER mother and didn't invite her to join them so she is bringing her family over to my mother-in-law's place. This group numbering 8 includes new boyfriends and girl friends of her grown children.
So now, we and by we I mean I am cooking (my wife is not a good cook at all never has been never will be) Thanksgiving dinner for 12 in a small townhouse. Next year we are going away for sure.
My wife's mother is in her early 70's. She has some health issues that require medication. One particular medication she takes has side effects that make her very self conscious as they display as nervous ticks. She is quite comfortable around her two children and two grandchildren but shies away from groups that include people not familiar with her condition. She volunteers at her local senior center and is fairly active in her local community of people in her age group.
This year my wife's sister's husband's sister (yeah I typed that) is hosting a huge family gathering for Thanksgiving. My brother-in-law is also my business partner so we are in continuous contact. He comes from a large family - he has six sisters. So when they get together for one of these shindigs there are close to 40 people in attendance. In the eleven years I have been married into this clan I have found these gatherings overwhelming at times so I can understand my mother-in-law's apprehension because there are always new faces to meet. She is keenly aware that she can easily be mistaken for someone with special needs and wishes to avoid the embarrassment that comes with such social interactions and quite frankly my wife and I wanted to spend a quiet holiday and have rejected several invitations this year.
The Gist
My brother-in-law called me that he and my wife's sister that my wife's mother did not want to go with them to the family party and since we (my wife and I) had already declined suggested that we to my mother-in-law's house or invite her over to our place so she and her husband would not be alone. I love my mother-in-law. She was my employee and that's how I met my wife through her introduction. We called her to check if she was up to coming by our place or could we come over to hers. She said she would love to have us but her oven had quit working and the repairman said that she should replace it. We went to Lowe's and had a new range sent to her it is getting there today. We also told her that she didn't have to cook we would cook everything so she and her husband (3rd or 4th can't remember) didn't have to do anything. She and her husband loved that idea...just the four of us...no embarrassment.
Well, yesterday my wife's sister hit the roof. She is upset because we are cooking dinner for HER mother and didn't invite her to join them so she is bringing her family over to my mother-in-law's place. This group numbering 8 includes new boyfriends and girl friends of her grown children.
So now, we and by we I mean I am cooking (my wife is not a good cook at all never has been never will be) Thanksgiving dinner for 12 in a small townhouse. Next year we are going away for sure.
Nov 19, 2012 11:02:32 #
Sounds to me like you have a witch in the family.
Here is what I would do. I would call her and tell her that your house is too small for that large of a group and that we( you and your wife) will bring everything and everybody over to her house and have Thanksgiving there.
I'm glad it's your family and not mine.
Thanksgiving for us is a very special time. Many years ago I told my grown kids that we (my wife and I) were going to have Thanksgiving alone and we would get together for Christmas. Everyone agreed. They don't have anyone over and and neither do we, not even friends. We have a nice guite time for giving thanks and praise.
Here is what I would do. I would call her and tell her that your house is too small for that large of a group and that we( you and your wife) will bring everything and everybody over to her house and have Thanksgiving there.
I'm glad it's your family and not mine.
Thanksgiving for us is a very special time. Many years ago I told my grown kids that we (my wife and I) were going to have Thanksgiving alone and we would get together for Christmas. Everyone agreed. They don't have anyone over and and neither do we, not even friends. We have a nice guite time for giving thanks and praise.
Nov 19, 2012 11:21:05 #
tramsey wrote:
Sounds to me like you have a witch in the family. ... (show quote)
Thanks for your support...have a great holiday.
Nov 19, 2012 17:25:05 #
RixPix wrote:
quote=tramsey Sounds to me like you have a witch ... (show quote)
Tell me how it comes out ... maybe it will all be for the best and she won't talk to you anymore
:thumbup: :thumbup:
Nov 19, 2012 20:44:20 #
Does your wife's sister not understand about her mother's condition and how she feels around crowds?
Sometimes holidays and families are just not a good mix. I go through similar grief every christmas, my advise is to drink heavily.
Sometimes holidays and families are just not a good mix. I go through similar grief every christmas, my advise is to drink heavily.
Nov 19, 2012 21:35:15 #
elise3 wrote:
Does your wife's sister not understand about her mother's condition and how she feels around crowds?
Sometimes holidays and families are just not a good mix. I go through similar grief every christmas, my advise is to drink heavily.
Sometimes holidays and families are just not a good mix. I go through similar grief every christmas, my advise is to drink heavily.
She is a control freak and she is frightened that her mother is dying...she lives her life believing that she can manage everything. She manages her mother's medication and pays all her bills. She knows better than anyone. What I believe to be at play is some sort of ego thing between the sisters as my wife's mother always favored her over her sister who was I am told more than a handful when they were young.
Nov 19, 2012 23:35:29 #
Nov 20, 2012 00:40:11 #
I feel bad for you, Rix. Why not tell you're sister-in-law you're having dinner for four, and if her crew expects to eat, they better bring a sack-lunch? You'll be famous!
Nov 20, 2012 07:33:29 #
Nov 20, 2012 07:48:20 #
RixPix I feel for you. My wife was from a large Italian family and every holiday the story was similar to yours. Now that she is gone and most of them are gone I have the day to myself.
I would give anything for one more of those chaotic days. It is only a day and it goes quick so just bear with it. Holidays are about family.
I would give anything for one more of those chaotic days. It is only a day and it goes quick so just bear with it. Holidays are about family.
Nov 20, 2012 07:57:16 #
Rix...You're doing a good thing. Your mother-in-law will still be able to handle this gathering better. There will just be a couple of people she doesn't know. Just seat them on the same side of the table as she is. It's a lot of work, but you may just have a great get together at your house. Have a good Thanksgiving.
Nov 20, 2012 08:16:41 #
Nov 20, 2012 08:54:23 #
Sooo - and I just have to ask. Will the dinner table conversation topics include politics?
Nov 20, 2012 09:01:33 #
[quote
She is a control freak and she is frightened that her mother is dying...she lives her life believing that she can manage everything. She manages her mother's medication and pays all her bills. She knows better than anyone. What I believe to be at play is some sort of ego thing between the sisters as my wife's mother always favored her over her sister who was I am told more than a handful when they were young.[/quote]
Seems every family has one! I am #9 of 10, all girls and #10 the only boy. I understand the issue with family. Mine was staying in the hospice with our dying mom. When we (another sister and I) wanted to spend one last night with our mom she told us we were welcome to stay across the hall in another room. She slept in my mom's room with my dad. Haven't spoken to her since and little before then, actually since the 80's.
I would stand firm that you are having the mom over and she can have her turn the day before or after. Then everyone can keep momma fed. Sometimes it's best to isolate yourselves from the rest of the crazy world! Hope it turns out to be a quiet peaceful Thanksgiving for you and your wife.
She is a control freak and she is frightened that her mother is dying...she lives her life believing that she can manage everything. She manages her mother's medication and pays all her bills. She knows better than anyone. What I believe to be at play is some sort of ego thing between the sisters as my wife's mother always favored her over her sister who was I am told more than a handful when they were young.[/quote]
Seems every family has one! I am #9 of 10, all girls and #10 the only boy. I understand the issue with family. Mine was staying in the hospice with our dying mom. When we (another sister and I) wanted to spend one last night with our mom she told us we were welcome to stay across the hall in another room. She slept in my mom's room with my dad. Haven't spoken to her since and little before then, actually since the 80's.
I would stand firm that you are having the mom over and she can have her turn the day before or after. Then everyone can keep momma fed. Sometimes it's best to isolate yourselves from the rest of the crazy world! Hope it turns out to be a quiet peaceful Thanksgiving for you and your wife.
Nov 20, 2012 09:51:54 #
jamitjim73
Loc: Franklin,Tn.
Have a similar problem with 11 grand children- that means quite a number of people at any family gathering. I myself do not care to be around that many people at any given time. Just yesterday we got a call from the host and was informed that some one could not pull their share of the wagon so now we have to add to what we are bringing-- mashed potatoes for forty people. Now how in the world does one make that ?
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