Quotes by Henny Youngman
May 4, 2022 12:29:44 #
Quotes by Henny Youngman
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!”
“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”
“A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!”
“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”
“A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”
“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!”
“I said to my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen.”
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
“Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”
“My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”
“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”
“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.”
“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!”
“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”
“A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!”
“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”
“A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!”
“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!”
“I said to my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before." I said, "Try the kitchen.”
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
“Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.”
“My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.”
“My wife is a light eater. As soon as it's light, she starts to eat.”
“Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they are okay, you're it.”
“She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!”
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
May 4, 2022 12:58:59 #
May 4, 2022 13:15:26 #
bobbyjohn wrote:
b color=blue Quotes by Henny Youngman /color /b... (show quote)
THANK YOU! Hilarious.
May 4, 2022 13:19:56 #
bobbyjohn wrote:
b color=blue Quotes by Henny Youngman /color /b... (show quote)
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, raising his left arm, “doc, it hurts when I do this.” The doc says “don’t do that.”
May 4, 2022 13:25:21 #
May 4, 2022 13:34:23 #
May 5, 2022 05:40:36 #
bobbyjohn wrote:
b color=blue Quotes by Henny Youngman /color /b... (show quote)
Classic comedy that stands the test of time because it's not vulgar and laden with profanity.
May 5, 2022 06:19:31 #
May 5, 2022 09:14:13 #
StanMac
Loc: Tennessee
bobbyjohn wrote:
b color=blue Quotes by Henny Youngman /color /b... (show quote)
Some of these sounds like a Rodney Daingerfield. Maybe Rodney stole them! Or wrote them for Henny?
Stan
May 5, 2022 10:23:16 #
May 5, 2022 10:40:33 #
May 5, 2022 12:08:17 #
May 5, 2022 14:10:06 #
Wuligal
Loc: Slippery Rock, Pa.
Thanks for the memories. In my last life I played the Borsch circuit with Henny Youngman. I didn't know him very well but he seemed to be fine gentlemen.
May 5, 2022 15:35:19 #
May 5, 2022 18:02:16 #
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