sarge69 Loc: Ft Myers, FL

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH


Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

krispix Loc: London - UK

Love it.

BTW do you guys still teach the story about George Washinton and the Cherry Tree?

photosarah Loc: East Sussex, UK

They are very funny, and I enjoyed reading the jokes, but I don't think they all came from British newspapers! Clue: no British person calls their mother "Mom": that's very American. We call our mothers
"Mummy", "Mum" or "Ma". It certainly would not get into print as "Mom".

sarge69 Loc: Ft Myers, FL

Certainly. And do you know why his father didn't spank him when he confessed? He still had the axe in his hand.

Sarge69

kschwegl Loc: Orangeburg, NY

Really funny, choked on the morning coffee!

JR1 Loc: Tavistock, Devon, UK

You have to love the English

JR Devon
UK

R.G. Loc: Scotland

I believe that in Scotland the official position is that the above statement is not true.

ishootthings Loc: Western shore of Lake Michigan

Thank you for the"laffs"....! (I agree, British humor it great!)

Robbie7 Loc: Northampton. England

I have to say that in the days of Bob Hope (yes I know he was English born) American humour was dreadful, but these days I find some of it very funny. The humour in e.g. Taxi, the Simpsons, Southpark,Friends etc I find really sophisticated and witty..Maybe my advancing years have got something to do with...lol

Andy-j Loc: Stoke-on-Trent UK

Just received this in an email and thought I'd share it.


>The Smiths were unable to conceive
children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>

>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
>'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.
Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
>
>'Have you
really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies
are my speciality?'
>
>'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in and have a seat !.
>
>After a moment she asked,
blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
>'Leave everything to me. I
usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple
on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there.'
>
>'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't
work out for Harry and me!'
>
>'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a
good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results.'
>
>'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Ma'am, in my
line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in
five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>
>'Don't
I know it,' said Mrs... Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was
done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>
>'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith
exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>
>'And these twins turned out
exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with.'
>
>'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
>'Yes, I'm
afraid so.. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'
>
>'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement..
>
>'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I
could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in.'
>
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean
they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
>
>'It's true, Ma'am,
yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to
work right away.'
>
>'Tripod?'
>
>'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a
tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long.'
>Mrs. Smith fainted

kschwegl Loc: Orangeburg, NY

Just choked on another cup of coffee!

oldmalky Loc: West Midlands,England.

Sorry to say but you are wrong we call our mother mom as do our kids,in probability it depends where you come from.

JoeV Loc: Wisconsin

Enjoyed these. Thanks.

krispix Loc: London - UK

Hmmm.

Must be a Brum thing, we don't do that in the Smoke.

photosarah Loc: East Sussex, UK

Not in the SE either, nor Yorkshire where I come from originally! :D