BlackRipleyDog

February 11th, 2021

Woke Fragility (a parody!): Bringing Moderates to Heel

Being "woke" is very important in order to show the world you're a good person, and also to avoid having your entire life wrecked by a Twitter mob!

In order to achieve success and respect from all the good woke people -- which is the most important thing you can achieve in life -- you need to learn how to be properly woke! Here is our definitive guide:

1.Carefully choose your pronouns and then scream them at everyone you meet: Whenever you go to Costco, loudly scream your pronouns in shoppers' faces. If anyone refuses to celebrate your pronouns, smash a giant box of pretzels over their head and call the manager.

2. Select the most oppressed identity possible: Test people's loyalty to the cause by identifying as a walrus and cancel anyone who doesn't make walrus noises every time they see you.

3. Compare everything to N**is: Compare everything to N**is (as long as you're a Democrat. If you're a Republican this might get you fired).

4. Learn to h**e the right people: H**e is good when directed at the correct targets. All you have to do is follow the guidelines of a mentally ill Twitter mob who will help steer your h**e in the right direction!

5. Pre-order David Hogg's Good Pillow: You want to sleep at night, don't you??

6. Classify everyone according to their race and not as an individual: Always loudly acknowledge the skin color of every person you talk to and make it the main subject of the conversation.

7. If you are white, do not have any black friends: This may trick you into thinking you aren't r****t.

8. To help atone for our r****t past, try some casual segregation: Create safe spaces where everyone is segregated by race, g****r, and g****r identity. It's the only way to achieve unity. Anyone who objects to this is r****t.

9. V**e for policies that sound virtuous, no matter how much they actually harm people of color: Always v**e for policies with virtuous-sounding names, even if they destroy black and brown communities. Appearance is everything!

10. Always have extremely low expectations of minorities: Be sure to constantly remind them they can never overcome their circumstances without your help.

11. Abandon religion, and instead accept everything the woke crowd believes without question: Your religious beliefs are at odds with others. You should fix that and accept Wokism. Repeat after us: WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT. WOKISM IS NOT A CULT.

12. Achieve inner peace by constantly beating yourself up for not doing better: Place a hard yoke and a heavy lifelong burden upon yourself that will never be satisfied and that will never offer grace, forgiveness, or rest.

13. Monopolize irrelevant website forum pages and indulge your inner Trump Derangement Syndrome and castigate and demonize those who disagree with you by applying some or all of the previous pointers in your daily discourse.

That's pretty much it! Get back to us when you have achieved all these. We'll probably have a new list for ya!

(Download)

travelwp Loc: New Jersey

hondo812 Loc: Massachusetts

I'm getting old. I can't stay woke for as long as I used to.

Rose42

FrumCA

The Bee's satire is uncannily spot on!!

anotherview Loc: California

Please define the term "woke."

FrumCA

One Urban Dictionary contributor defines woke as “being aware of the t***h behind things 'the man' doesn't want you to know”. Meanwhile, a concurrent definition signals a shift in meaning to “the act of being very pretentious about how much you care about a social issue”.

BlackRipleyDog

Pretentious and also virtue-signaling.

FrumCA

It's just a definition. No judgement one way or the other.

anotherview Loc: California

Thank you. I assumed the word "woke" had something to do with how black folk viewed matters. That seems so in part. This result raises the question of how we measure this social condition in a political context.

For my part, I prefer to live by facts and information along with experience in the light of reason.

Fotoartist Loc: Detroit, Michigan

I will go with the second definition, “the act of being very pretentious about how much you care about a social issue”.

The first definition, “being aware of the t***h behind things 'the man' doesn't want you to know”, is bogus. Who is supposed to be the arbiter of the 'T***h'? And what is the definition of 'The Man'?

anotherview Loc: California

You have your thinking cap on.

Texcaster Loc: Queensland

Do you still think h*****g Mike Pence is the way to go?

hondo812 Loc: Massachusetts

and here I thought everyone in Cali was woke! You can always ask mad Maxine.....she's superwoke...true story.

anotherview Loc: California

In the absence of a clear definition of the condition of "woke," I take it as one more concocted social construct for dissecting our dear nation with hostile intent.