So you like "puns"?
Jun 11, 2020 08:19:26 #
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it". "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Hope you enjoyed these.
Mark
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Hope you enjoyed these.
Mark
Jun 11, 2020 08:27:27 #
Jun 11, 2020 08:38:10 #
Jun 11, 2020 08:40:48 #
Jun 11, 2020 08:46:01 #
Thanks a million! Made my day! Love 1,5 & 9!
Reminds me of the doctor who cloned himself but all the clone would do was cuss all day long. The doctor couldn’t stand it any more so he threw the clone over a cliff. He was soon arrested but protested. “You can’t arrest me for murder! It’s not another person! I made it!!” The officer responded, “You’re not being arrested for murder. You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall !”
Reminds me of the doctor who cloned himself but all the clone would do was cuss all day long. The doctor couldn’t stand it any more so he threw the clone over a cliff. He was soon arrested but protested. “You can’t arrest me for murder! It’s not another person! I made it!!” The officer responded, “You’re not being arrested for murder. You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall !”
Jun 11, 2020 08:47:38 #
Jun 11, 2020 08:57:58 #
vj62 wrote:
Love em, love em. Started my day with a chuckle.
Thanks for the response!
Mark
Jun 11, 2020 08:58:45 #
Caranx wrote:
Thanks a million! Made my day! Love 1,5 & 9!
Reminds me of the doctor who cloned himself but all the clone would do was cuss all day long. The doctor couldn’t stand it any more so he threw the clone over a cliff. He was soon arrested but protested. “You can’t arrest me for murder! It’s not another person! I made it!!” The officer responded, “You’re not being arrested for murder. You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall !”
Reminds me of the doctor who cloned himself but all the clone would do was cuss all day long. The doctor couldn’t stand it any more so he threw the clone over a cliff. He was soon arrested but protested. “You can’t arrest me for murder! It’s not another person! I made it!!” The officer responded, “You’re not being arrested for murder. You’re being arrested for making an obscene clone fall !”
Mark
Jun 11, 2020 08:59:13 #
Jun 11, 2020 09:09:57 #
Mark & Caranx, send more if you know more! I'm saving them!
I was playing golf & the ball landed in a sand trap full of ants. Every time I tried to hit the ball I missed & took out a bunch of ants. Finally there were only 2 ants left. One said to the other lone ant, "If we're going to get outa' this this we've better get on the ball."
Hence, the saying came from these 2 ants.
I was playing golf & the ball landed in a sand trap full of ants. Every time I tried to hit the ball I missed & took out a bunch of ants. Finally there were only 2 ants left. One said to the other lone ant, "If we're going to get outa' this this we've better get on the ball."
Hence, the saying came from these 2 ants.
Jun 11, 2020 09:16:26 #
canonclicker wrote:
Mark & Caranx, send more if you know more! I'm saving them!
I was playing golf & the ball landed in a sand trap full of ants. Every time I tried to hit the ball I missed & took out a bunch of ants. Finally there were only 2 ants left. One said to the other lone ant, "If we're going to get outa' this this we've better get on the ball."
Hence, the saying came from these 2 ants.
I was playing golf & the ball landed in a sand trap full of ants. Every time I tried to hit the ball I missed & took out a bunch of ants. Finally there were only 2 ants left. One said to the other lone ant, "If we're going to get outa' this this we've better get on the ball."
Hence, the saying came from these 2 ants.
If I had more, I would.Mark
Jun 11, 2020 13:18:13 #
Those are awful - and addicting.
I will send them to our daughter at Med School.
I will send them to our daughter at Med School.
Jun 11, 2020 13:20:59 #
robertjerl wrote:
Those are awful - and addicting.
I will send them to our daughter at Med School.
I will send them to our daughter at Med School.
I may need her someday!!
Mark
Jun 11, 2020 13:28:02 #
markngolf wrote:
I may need her someday!!
Mark
I may need her someday!!
Mark
Well, I told her I wanted to live long enough to call her Doctor "Kitten" but I did not want to need her services - she is aiming at Orthopedic Reconstructive Surgery.
Jun 11, 2020 13:33:11 #
robertjerl wrote:
Well, I told her I wanted to live long enough to call her Doctor "Kitten" but I did not want to need her services - she is aiming at Orthopedic Reconstructive Surgery.
Do you think she'll be able to perform an entire body transplant and throw in a brain?
Mark
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