Morning laughs
Jun 2, 2020 05:24:05 #
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book
2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)
3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010
4. “What do you call an Alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)
6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show
7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)
8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015
9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)
10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies (DVD)
11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner
12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011
13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show
14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006
15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010
16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart
17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show
18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)
19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine
20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe
Les Dawson, from Les Dawson’s Joke Book
2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: it’s snowing or the death of a celebrity.”
Michael McIntyre, from The Complete Laughter Box (DVD)
3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sara Pascoe, at the Edinburgh Fringe, 2010
4. “What do you call an Alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
Harry Hill, from Harry Hill’s Whopping Great Joke Book
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
Sean Lock, from Sean Lock: The Complete Live Collection (DVD)
6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
Tommy Cooper, on his TV show
7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
Jon Richardson, from Nidiot Tour (DVD)
8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
Ellie Taylor, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2015
9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
Lee Mack, from Hit the Road Mack (DVD)
10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
Ronnie Corbett, from The Two Ronnies (DVD)
11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
Frank Skinner
12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
Nick Helm, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2011
13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
Jo Brand, during a live stand-up show
14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
Richard Herring, at the Edinburgh Fringe 2006
15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
Jack Whitehall, at the Royal Variety Performance 2010
16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
Miranda Hart
17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
Milton Jones, during a live stand-up show
18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
Lee Evans, Monsters Live (DVD)
19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
Tim Vine
20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
Nish Kumar, at the Edinburgh Fringe
Jun 2, 2020 08:00:45 #
Jun 3, 2020 07:36:23 #
Good morning doddy,
In the right situations I can use somewhat nasty language (as most others can) but your submission goes to show than profanity, in all of its' many forms, is absolutely unnecessary for genuine / kind humor. Thanks so much for making my morning.
Keep 'em coming. -
All the best to you and yours - and stay safe during these difficult times.
Terry
In the right situations I can use somewhat nasty language (as most others can) but your submission goes to show than profanity, in all of its' many forms, is absolutely unnecessary for genuine / kind humor. Thanks so much for making my morning.
Keep 'em coming. -
All the best to you and yours - and stay safe during these difficult times.
Terry
Jun 3, 2020 08:27:21 #
Jun 3, 2020 10:44:10 #
Jun 3, 2020 11:01:44 #
Jun 3, 2020 12:08:51 #
Jun 3, 2020 13:30:09 #
raypep wrote:
What is a “lie in” ? A nap?
Never heard that expression.
Never heard that expression.
More than likely..."sleep in" UK style
Jun 3, 2020 15:57:23 #
Jun 3, 2020 18:48:45 #
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