dennis2146 Loc: Eastern Idaho

Sent to me by a friend:

Dennis


One door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.



~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.



~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.



~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”

Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”



~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”

Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”



~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.



~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.



~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.



~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?



~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.



~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.



~ I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.



~ I run like the winded.



~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.



~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”



~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.



~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?



~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.



~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”



~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.



~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.



~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.



~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.



~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

NMGal Loc: NE NM

Really funny.

Bob Mevis Loc: Plymouth, Indiana

They got smiles and laughs.

csparbeck Loc: Brunswick Ohio

Every one a good one.

LESTAHL Loc: Colorado

Too funny!!

couch coyote Loc: northern Illinois

Hahaha, excellent!

drobvit Loc: Southern NV

Nice collection of chuckles.

dennis2146 Loc: Eastern Idaho

Thanks everyone.

Stay HEALTHY,

Dennis

davidwallen

Great way to start the day! Especially the one about 3 days to get 8 hours of sleep... (too true to be funny)! and the one about 30 seconds in my head.... that even scares me!🙃

tshift Loc: Overland Park, KS.

Started out I wasn't going to read these. I read the first and before I knew it I had done them all. Now I am awake and can go get some coffee. Thanks really enjoyed.

Tom

jaymatt Loc: Alexandria, Indiana

yssirk123 Loc: New Jersey

raymondh Loc: Walker, MI

!!!

Blair Shaw Jr Loc: Dunnellon,Florida

These are great Dennis....thanks man.

CWGordon

Good ones. Truth is often funny if only to remind us how difficult life can be.