Puns
Feb 21, 2020 05:55:42 #
Puns for Educated Minds
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road . . . and was cited for littering.
7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road . . . and was cited for littering.
7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts;
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank,
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did
Feb 21, 2020 06:30:47 #
Feb 21, 2020 06:38:13 #
Feb 21, 2020 06:59:12 #
Feb 21, 2020 08:31:59 #
Feb 21, 2020 08:42:50 #
Feb 21, 2020 09:12:19 #
PRILEP, Yugoslavia (AP) - Outside a small Macedonian village close to the border between Greece and Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of the site of significant historical developments spanning more than 2,000 years.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health.
By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.
It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
When Sister Maria Cyrilla of the Order of the Perpetual Watch dies, the convent of St. Elias will be closed by the Eastern Orthodox Patriarch of Macedonia.
However, that isn't likely to happen soon as Sister Maria, 53, enjoys excellent health.
By her own estimate, she walks 10 miles daily about the grounds of the convent, which once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.
Historians say that Attila took over the old temple in 439 A.D. and used it as a base for his marauding army.
The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site.
It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system, and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple. Scholars differ on why he had the valuable documents destroyed - either because he was barely literate and couldn't read them, or because they provided evidence of democratic government that did not square with his own notion of rule by an all-powerful tyrant.
When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.
And that's how it ends: No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.
Feb 21, 2020 13:35:44 #
Feb 21, 2020 17:04:39 #
Feb 21, 2020 17:04:45 #
Feb 23, 2020 00:00:26 #
I recently got a call from an old friend I haven't heard from in a while. My caller ID displayed his name: SCAM LIKELY. I picked up the phone and said, "Scam! How ya doin???" He answered, "How did you know my name?. . . Anyway I'm calling from the FBI and there's a warrant out for your arrest. There's an overdue fine that you owe, but we can take care of it right now so they won't arrest you." I said, "Gosh! where do I send a check to?" He said, "Sorry but we're the government and we only take Walmart gift cards. . . But would you happen to have any Bitcoin in your pockets?"
I'm glad to see that Scam has moved up in the world, working for the FBI now. He used to work for Microsoft
I'm glad to see that Scam has moved up in the world, working for the FBI now. He used to work for Microsoft
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