TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
Nov 3, 2019 18:06:06 #
TEXAS CHILI COOK-OFF
If you live or have lived in Texas you know how true this is.
They actually have Chili cook-offs in many small towns, sometimes along with rodeos and county fairs. It takes up large outdoor areas and usually the majority spaces of parking lots.
The following notes are from an inexperienced "chili taster" named Frank who was visiting from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So, I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 ? (Frank) Holy Jesus, what the hell is this stuff? You could have dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worse one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 ? Keep this shit out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 ? A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on my back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer!
Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 ? I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. broad is starting to look HOT? Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 ? My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 ? This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
If you live or have lived in Texas you know how true this is.
They actually have Chili cook-offs in many small towns, sometimes along with rodeos and county fairs. It takes up large outdoor areas and usually the majority spaces of parking lots.
The following notes are from an inexperienced "chili taster" named Frank who was visiting from the East Coast:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So, I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event."
Chili #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 ? (Frank) Holy Jesus, what the hell is this stuff? You could have dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worse one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 ? Keep this shit out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 ? A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded on my back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer!
Chili #4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 ? I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb. broad is starting to look HOT? Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 ? My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 ? This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Nov 3, 2019 18:20:15 #
OK, that was Awesome! Dayuum!! Now I know what that face that people make when they eat my Chili means! ..... Whooohooo!
Nov 3, 2019 18:39:52 #
That was very funny and entertaining, and funny. I've been making chili for years and as I've gotten older I've also turned down the heat. To me a good chili isn't about how hot it is, it's more about the perfect blending of meat and tomato with just the right amount of spice. If a chili is to hot to enjoy then it's not a good chili.
By the way, you're better off squelching the fire with lemonade, or any other acidic beverage, than beer.
By the way, you're better off squelching the fire with lemonade, or any other acidic beverage, than beer.
Nov 4, 2019 07:27:24 #
Coca-Cola will also take the sting out of spicy foods. Let a cold mouthful sit awhile before swallowing.
Nov 4, 2019 07:54:23 #
Nov 4, 2019 08:01:27 #
I go to the CASI cook off in Terlingua Tx every year, Just got back yesterday, you usually taste about 10 chilies, the trick on judging is a 1-10 scale ,the first chili is always a 5 and that gives you somewhere to go with the other 9 chilies.
Nov 4, 2019 08:52:44 #
Nov 4, 2019 09:38:50 #
Great for a morning laugh. We have chili cookoffs here in Minnesota too, but probably not near as hot as the Texas ones. Too many wimps I guess. But if you can handle lutefisk, a good bowl of red should be no problem at all.
Nov 4, 2019 10:36:56 #
Nov 4, 2019 11:36:15 #
Nov 4, 2019 14:23:45 #
jerold222 wrote:
Great for a morning laugh. We have chili cookoffs here in Minnesota too, but probably not near as hot as the Texas ones. Too many wimps I guess. But if you can handle lutefisk, a good bowl of red should be no problem at all.
Lutefisk??? my dad got some of that one time, never again!
Nov 4, 2019 15:55:18 #
Have seen it before--still funny. But it could not have been a Texas event--Texans don't agree that chili should have any beans. If there are beans in it they call it "stew".
Nov 4, 2019 17:03:37 #
Nov 4, 2019 18:35:35 #
Is it any wonder that Chili's the restaurarant chain is home grown Texan. I live not far from where the original restaurant stood, on Greenville Ave. in Dallas. It not only served great chili of varying strengths but an outstanding Rib-eye.
Nov 4, 2019 18:37:15 #
David in Dallas wrote:
Have seen it before--still funny. But it could not have been a Texas event--Texans don't agree that chili should have any beans. If there are beans in it they call it "stew".
That's Boston Chili.
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