John_F Loc: Minneapolis, MN

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for football, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller


Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller


My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate
Pearl Harbour .
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Ava'sPapa Loc: Cheshire, Ct.

She was a classic. Long shiny dress holding a long cigarette holder as I recall. What was her husband's name? Fang?

NMGal Loc: NE NM

She was a real funny lady.

dancers Loc: melbourne.victoria, australia

my sorta gal.................except for the ironing. I never touch it.LOL

Jazztrader

Doddy Loc: Barnard Castle-England

She was very funny.

raymondh Loc: Walker, MI

truckster Loc: Tampa Bay Area

Decades ago I remember her on the Tonight Show with Carson. She did a short skit before she sat down with Johnny. She was bombing! No laughs at all. She got a chuckle out of that line about Fang, but that was it until she hit on the mother-in-law. She got a few chuckles and then she went into straight rapid-fire one-liners. Only two stuck with me ... she is so big, her dress size is Junior Missile and once a year they drag her through the Holland Tunnell to clean it. By the time she was done everyone was in stitches, my sides were hurting from laughing so hard and Johnny had to take a commercial break because he was in tears from laughing.

Almost anyone can tell a funny story or a couple of funny jokes, but that night I learned that to be a successful comedian takes much more.

Junior missile, indeed!

StanMac Loc: Tennessee

She was female Henny Youngman one-liner artist extraordinaire.

Stan

DeanS Loc: Capital City area of North Carolina

Asked why she called her husband Fang, she replied, “What else would you call a man with one tooth!”

PAR4DCR Loc: A Sunny Place

Love'em

Don

rothphotog Loc: Orlando, FL

I ran audio for her show for a two-week engagement at Walt Disney World's "Top of the World" supper club in the mid-1970's. We'd watch the clock in the tech booth and, when she got on a roll, she'd deliver a punch line every 7 seconds! This went on for the last 30 minutes of a 45-minute show. She'd come through the kitchen and into the booth 10 minutes early before every show to chat with the tech crew. She was a very warm, sincere, down-to-earth, wonderful lady -- and a pro in every sense of the word.

bobbyjohn Loc: Dallas, TX

All very good. My favorite was:

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

LMAO