John_F Loc: Minneapolis, MN

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Ans wer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my
shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

robertjerl Loc: Corona, California

Did you have a birthday recently?

Cally Loc: Lincoln

Brilliant

jaymatt Loc: Alexandria, Indiana

This is all so true!

PRETENDER Loc: Micanopy,Florida

Sounds like my life story.

Earnest Botello Loc: Hockley, Texas

I go along with all of it.

John_F Loc: Minneapolis, MN

Gonna kick over 91 on All Saints Day.

EdJ0307 Loc: out west someplace

Maybe not this one.Yesterday I changed the three bulbs in the ceiling light in the bedroom. It took me about 15 minutes. I could have done it faster but the shade was a pain to deal with and I had to stand on the bed to change the bulbs.

Alafoto Loc: Montgomery, AL

I live all of it.

DeanS Loc: Capital City area of North Carolina

The downside in retiring for me was losing all my vacation time and holidays.

MrMophoto Loc: Rhode Island "The biggest little"

I was recently in a training session with some much younger newbies. The trainer, who was about 30 (less than half my age) was explaining how to lift a heavy box with your legs (not your back) when one of the younger folks asked how do you know if a box is heavy? The trainer replied "if you have to make a noise when lifting, it's heavy. I told the group "at my age I make a noise every time I move." The only one who laughed was the other senior in the group. The trainer didn't understand my comment. I figure eventually she will.

Terrymac Loc: LONDON U.K.

Good ones John. Thanks.

DickC Loc: NE Washington state