berchman Loc: South Central PA

My wife has two grown sons by her former husband. One son has four children. Both her sons seem obsessed with the notion of "family," and my wife says they regard me as family. I have always regarded "family" as blood relatives. I get along with both her sons because when they were living at home I never acceded to my wife asking me to support her criticisms or discipline. I just kept out of it.

I have asked everybody to just call me by my first name, so they do. The grandchildren ranging from 16 to 9 don't interest me. They don't speak to me and I don't speak to them. Both sons live quite a distance away. I see them about once or twice a year. Their father's wife is called grandma by the kids even though my wife is their real grandmother.

So, does it make me nuts not to want to regard these people as family? (My own parents are dead and I'm an only child. I may have a couple of distant cousins, but I don't know.)

lsaguy Loc: Udall, KS, USA

It seems there are quite a few people who want you to be their family. Why don't you let them? What can it hurt?
My grandson isn't a blood relation to me, but I'm the only Grandpa he has. I don't think we could love each other more.
I think you're depriving yourself of something wonderful over semantics. Lighten up and enjoy the gift you've been given. My 2 cents.

repleo Loc: Boston

The definition of 'family' is pretty easy to find and by that definition your only family is your wife. However, you mention the 'notion of family' which is much more fluid. I would certainly consider my immediate in-laws and their families to be 'family'.
I do a lot of genealogy. I can only go back to the late 1700's but I have extended my search laterally to include as many of the descendants of descendants as I can. I have over 2000 folks in my tree. I consider all of them 'family' even though I have never met most of them.
To answer your question, I think 'family' is who you consider them to be and who accepts you as family. You don't say if your wife was divorced or widowed, but I expect a second spouse adds a layer of complexity that each family has to sort out for itself.

DragonsLady Loc: Los Alamos, NM

I, too, am an only child. But I regard my husband's family as my family. I even regard my ex's family as mine because there is a blood relationship to them even if I'm not in the true bloodline. Your wife may understand
your feelings, but if she were me, I'd be hurt that you have cut yourself off from her/my children.

ottopj Loc: Annapolis, MD USA

ottopj Loc: Annapolis, MD USA

Why shut them out? You could learn a lot from them.

Boomer Jim Loc: Newcastle Okla

Sad. I think you are missing out on something that could be great. I have a daughter and a Step daughter and I love them both.

Tomcat5133 Loc: Gladwyne PA

This is a post close to my heart. I am very close with my daughters children. And one has Autism which I have helped with as much as I could. His sister my grandaughter is my favorite. She is the only one even at 12
she runs down the street screaming "Grandpa."

My son and I have always been very close. He married an attractive girl from a foriegn country. Brought here by her parents at 7. She wanted complete control. We celebrated Xmas and my wife's Jewish holidays. And everyone came to our house. My daughter-in-law didnt want any xmas in her family she is Jewish with these 3 grandchildren. We bought them things and tried to see them but she and her parents just stepped in front of us when their children were babies. Literally. And acted like we were not the grandparents. My son eventually gave up on us and he blamed us for not being their with they live. It was a total falsehood. She would not let them sleep over or us drive the kids somewhere. Paranoid behavior from a country that has been in the news a lot.
Our friends and relatives know us as warm, loving and generous. They couldnt understand the situation.
Sometimes I wondered if they thought that we were not the great people that thought we were.

I told my famous friend who is a celebrity and has no children that every child is your child to love
and spend time with. She does with a close friends baby spend quality time with their child.
Family is family if the people have common sense and are not control freaks.
My mission in my days is to working with disabled children raising money for charity.

SonyBug

I do the genealogy too, and can trace my "family" to Rollo the viking in 950. That would include William the Conqueror, Robert Day, a founder of Hartford Ct, many veterans of wars of Independence, Civil War, both WWI and II, and now my immediate"family" of cousins, biological and adopted, offspring etc. I even have a private group on FB for the family to post pictures and stories to give us all a sense of connection even though we are some distance apart. It is my legacy to help them with a connection to me and each other. I think that connection is important.

Longshadow Loc: Audubon, PA, United States

Husband and wife are a family, and usually not blood related.
My in-laws consider me part of their family, as I consider my in-laws part of my family.
I suppose it depends on how one looks at it, and one's definition of family.

tom kf4wol

Only thing I can comment is:

I feel very sorry for You depriving Yourself of Love from others.

Keen

ottopj Loc: Annapolis, MD USA

DirtFarmer Loc: Escaped from the NYC area, back to MA

There's a genealogical "theorem" (not mathematically rigorous) that says that everyone of European descent is descended from Charlemagne (around 840). The theorem actually would hold for anyone in that era. But it means that all people of European descent are cousins to some degree (not more than 40th cousins).

So it's probably that all those people are actually blood relatives.

PS: I think I noticed Rollo in my ancestry. Nice to meet you, cousin.
It's nice having royalty in your blood. That and $8 will get you a nice cup of Starbucks coffee.

robertjerl Loc: Corona, California

I actually feel sorry for you, a large extended family wants you to be family and you can't/won't do it.
By your criteria your wife is not "family" because she is not a blood relative.
So you are alone with no family at all in your mind.
Open yourself up to those people and become part of the family. Oh, it just means those kids have an extra grandmother through love and understanding. Who cares about genetics?

In the small Kentucky town where I come from people became family with no blood or legal ties, just love and feelings. Many people became uncle, aunt, cousin, brother, sister etc. One of my great uncles had a sister-in-law who was a stereotypical "old maid", never married or had children but she was an extra aunt to all the kids in town. She worked in the hardware store right on the corner of Main and US-60. One of her self appointed jobs was to watch for little kids (only 1/2 block to a residential area) headed for the highway. She would see them through the store side windows, tell her customer to "wait a moment" and go out and turn them and their tricycle around headed back away from the highway. If there were a group of them (common) the customers would as likely as not go out to help her. When she died at 2 weeks short of 102 half the nursing home staff were kids she had turned around at one time or another. Her death made an article in the local paper and the church was packed with her "neices and nephews" for the funeral. The minister was one of those little kids she had watched over.
That whole small town was "family".