These are for Graham
Aug 1, 2019 03:59:04 #
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed the cue ball. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow managed to swallow it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said,
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
“He eats everything in sight. Sorry and don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
-------------
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber walks over and gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf.
He tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. He then proceeds to give him a shave.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened had he accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber replied,
“Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does!”
------------------
A man, feeling very depressed, walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "I looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. Pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense. but what about your best friend?"
The man replied,
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye and said,
'BAD DOG!'"
"Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
“He eats everything in sight. Sorry and don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked,
"Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
-------------
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber walks over and gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf.
He tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. He then proceeds to give him a shave.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened had he accidentally swallowed the little ball. The barber replied,
“Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does!”
------------------
A man, feeling very depressed, walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender poured the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second drink, the bartender asks him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "I looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. Pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense. but what about your best friend?"
The man replied,
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye and said,
'BAD DOG!'"
Aug 1, 2019 06:45:21 #
As Larry the cable guy would say, I don't care who you are, those were funny!
Aug 1, 2019 10:26:30 #
Aug 1, 2019 10:40:03 #
Aug 2, 2019 07:41:17 #
Aug 2, 2019 11:04:31 #
Aug 2, 2019 11:28:31 #
Aug 2, 2019 11:29:08 #
Aug 2, 2019 13:17:31 #
Aug 2, 2019 15:52:43 #
Aug 2, 2019 18:34:57 #
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