A Few Funny Ones - Some Old, Some New
Jan 17, 2019 15:23:59 #
Hope you got at least one chuckle!
Mark
I was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So
which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
be great if that happened more often?!!!
===========
Because they had no reservations at a busy
restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband
said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated
immediately.
================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
====================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the
altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests
in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his credit card.
=======================
Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=======================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my
wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps
with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do
you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath
and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is
Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he
can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the
last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you
to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and
convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second
before replying. "You might be,! " she says. "Your
face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How
can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm
certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me
talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man
said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Mark
I was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman
ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So
which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it
be great if that happened more often?!!!
===========
Because they had no reservations at a busy
restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were
told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband
said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated
immediately.
================
The reason congressmen try so hard to get
re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a
living under the laws they've passed.
====================
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the
altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests
in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him
back his credit card.
=======================
Women and cats will do as they please, and men
and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
=======================
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my
wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to
Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps
with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do
you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath
and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is
Larry's bar?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he
can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the
last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will
have to tell me the exact words that were used to
put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you
to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and
convinces her to come back to his hotel.
When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second
before replying. "You might be,! " she says. "Your
face looks familiar."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How
can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm
certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me
talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the
phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man
said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
Jan 17, 2019 16:05:48 #
Jan 17, 2019 16:43:57 #
Jan 17, 2019 17:39:49 #
Jan 17, 2019 18:31:52 #
Jan 17, 2019 19:36:02 #
Jan 17, 2019 19:36:41 #
Jan 18, 2019 06:25:48 #
Jan 18, 2019 06:37:54 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:26:46 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:37:36 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:51:49 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:59:01 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:59:19 #
Jan 18, 2019 08:59:43 #
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