pipesgt Loc: Central Florida

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were taking place.
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

NCMtnMan Loc: N. Fork New River, Ashe Co., NC

My wife (who is retired from working in the courthouse) and I laughed until tears were running! Thanks for the post!

Flash Gordon

These are fantastic. How do I forward to friends?

Sunnely Loc: Wisconsin

.

Thanks for the laugh

StevenG Loc: Long Island, NY

phlash46 Loc: Westchester County, New York

maggiemae Loc: North Carolina

Amazingly, most of the idiocy ce from the attorneys. I believe I would ask for a new attorney as well. Thanks for the laugh.

Pop Pop Loc: Lake Mary, FL

Hysterical

robertjerl Loc: Corona, California

I take it you selected the ones that we might actually believed took place and left off the really far out ones.

NMGal Loc: NE NM

My LOL for the day.

Alan Wolslegel Loc: Thurston County, Washington

Those were the best! Years ago I had a state law enforcement commission and saw some attorneys I would never have hired but these were way better. Thanks for sharing

Swamp-Cork Loc: Lanexa, Virginia

Thanks, pipesgt and haven't laughed this long for quite some time!

PhotoNat Loc: Santa Maria, CA

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Those are SO funny!

tshift Loc: Overland Park, KS.

These were great. Right up there with Graham!! Thanks

Tom

tshift Loc: Overland Park, KS.

Oh yea. Now we know why all the jokes about lawyers!!!

Tom