BBurns Loc: South Bay, California

Received this this morning, I finally stopped laughing, changed my shirt, got a fresh cup of coffee & decided to pass it along.

Requirements for singing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough for the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best place to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. Highway
b. Jailhouse
c. Empty bed
d. Bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Dillard's
b. Gallery Openings
c. Ivy League Institutions
d. Golf Courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. You older than dirt
b. You blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis
d. You can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. Cheap Wine
b. Whiskey or Bourbon
c. Muddy Water
d. Nasty Black Coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broke down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather cannot sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Ray C Haselby

Very good ! Embodies a cultural divide.

JohnSwanda Loc: San Francisco

I guess Buddy Guy and B.B. King were wrong when they mentored blues musicians Quinn Sullivan and Joe Bonamassa when they were teenagers.

newtoyou Loc: Eastport

If you ever get to Red, Hot, and Blue, outside Annapolis, you can find out how to write,and emulate, the blues, in a handout that they offer. Food and service a nine five. One of the servers wears the most skimp; oops, was getting carried away.
Bill

braindamage Loc: Appley Bridge, Lancs, U.K.

What do you get when you play a blues record backwards?






You get your wife back, your house back, your dog back................

Paul O Loc: Fairhope, AL

Fantastic! Thanks for sharing.

TJBNovember Loc: Long Island, New York

So I guess most of us reading this post can not have the blues, since we are reading it on our computers.

Dannj

BBurns:
Love it🎼😀🎼😀
Thanks for sharing

jerryc41 Loc: Catskill Mts of NY

Excellent! I definitely passed that along.

jerryc41 Loc: Catskill Mts of NY

And we have more money tied up in cameras than a blues singer has spent on both whiskey and Greyhound bus tickets.

Paloviejo

Wonderful!

olemikey Loc: 6 mile creek, Spacecoast Florida

After doing approx. 3 decades of bar band blues I'd say that is a pretty good description !!!!!!!!!!

jackm1943 Loc: Omaha, Nebraska

That is so true and funny. I have to pass this one on to my friends.

pmsc70d Loc: Post Falls, Idaho

Put those rules in a computer algorithm that pumps out lyrics, and you'll get a hit every time!

jaycoffman Loc: San Diego

Love it--it's a keeper in case I get any of those things that may make me a blues man...