Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

There are 1,294 comedy shows at this year’s Edinburgh Festival Fringe, each of them vying for your laughter.

For a taste of what to expect, we’ve put together a rather epic list of some of the best jokes and one-liners that have had audiences giggling in the Scottish capital over recent years.

*Warning: contains some adult material*


Without further ado…............

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine (2011)
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“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.” Yianni (2015)
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“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” Matt Kirshen (2011)
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“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” Tom Ward (2015)
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“I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never… lure them into my car. No, I’m kidding… I don’t have a licence.” Felicity Ward (2012)
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“I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months.” Hayley Ellis (2012)
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“One in four frogs is a leap frog.” Chris Turner (2016)
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“Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.” Stephen K. Amos (2014)
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“I used to be addicted to swimming but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for six years.”Alfie Moore (2013)
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“My grandad has a chair in his shower which makes him feel old, so in order to feel young he sits on it backwards like a cool teacher giving an assembly about drugs.” Rhys James (2016)
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“My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015)
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“My husband’s penis is like a semi colon. I can’t remember what it’s for and I never use it anyway.” Mary Bourke (2012)
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“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes (2016)
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“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” Will Marsh (2012)
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“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
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“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” Rob Beckett (2012)
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“Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” Alex Horne (2014)
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“Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.” Joe Lycett (2014)
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“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.” Jordan Brookes (2016)
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“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
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“My Dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” Mark Watson (2014)
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“I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson.” Eric Lampaert (2016)
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“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014)
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“How do people make new mates? Asking for a friend.” Steve Bugeja (2016)
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“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina (2014)
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“One thing you’ll never hear a Hindu say… ‘Ah well, you only live once.” Hardeep Singh Kohli (2014)
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“My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. So I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger.” Nick Hall (2015)
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“I’ve decided to stop masturbating, since then I’ve not really felt myself.” Tom Toal (2015)
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“I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.” Jonny Lennard (2014)
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“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” Joe Bor (2014)
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“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)
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“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.” Gary Delaney (2010)
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“Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” Paul F Taylor (2014)
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“My father was never sexist, he beat my brothers and I equally.” Njambi McGrath (2016)
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“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” Stephen Brown (2008)
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“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.” Joel Dommett (2014)
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“I can’t exercise for long periods. When I get back from a run my girlfriend usually asks if I’ve forgotten something.” Pete Otway (2016)
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“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” Stewart Francis (2012)
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“I’m learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. But – I’ve got the ins and outs.” Iain Stirling (2014)
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“Today… I did seven press ups: not in a row.” Daniel Kitson (2012)
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“Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle
and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up!” Jim Sealey (2014)
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“People say I’ve got no willpower but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.” Kai Humphries (2014)
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“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey (2014)
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“Golf is not just a good walk ruined, it’s also the act of hitting things violently with a stick ruined.” John Luke-Roberts (2016)
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“Feminism is not a fad. It’s not like Angry Birds. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Bad example.” Bridget Christie (2014)
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“I love languages. The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person
would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are.” Neil Hickey (2013)
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“Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! Yup, his visa expired.” Alexander Henry Buchanan-Dunlop (2014)
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“‘I think jokes about learning difficulties are OK so long as they’re clever’ is like saying ‘I think jokes about blind people are OK so long
as they’re visual’” Brendon Burns (2013)
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“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song
from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.” Felicity Ward (2016)
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“I’m single. By choice. Her choice. No it was a mutual thing. We came to the mutual agreement that she would marry her ex boyfriend.”
– Brett Goldstein (2013)
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“My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards
” Sarah Millican (2011)
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“Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.” Tom Parry (2015)
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“It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins and marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.” Olaf Falafel (2016)
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“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought:
‘This could be interesting.” Paddy Lennox (2009)
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“The anti-ageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘Aah, I’ve used too much'” Andrew Bird (2008)
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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is: he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall (2009)
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“Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It’s all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick” Andrew Lawrence (2008)
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“Doctor, doctor! Sorry mate. It’s a Saturday.” Dominic Frisby (2016)
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“Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, ‘There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling
on photographs of him” Carey Marx (2008)
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“Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014)
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“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed” Josie Long (2008)
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“My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I’m just worried she’s going to dehydrate” Kerri Godliman (2008)
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“I have the woman-flu. Which is like the manflu but worse because I also regularly have periods and I get paid less.” Sofie Hagen (2016)
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“Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet. She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.” Al Porter (2016)
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“I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.” Tom Stade (2008)
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“My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first” Alex Horne (2008)
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“I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldn’t call yourself ‘anti-feminism’ would you? You’d call yourself
‘Uncle Feminism’.” Jenny Collier (2016)
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“My mate is called Liam, but we call him ‘Two Legs Liam’. The reason for that is because he only has one arm.” Andrew Ryan (2016)
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“I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler’s parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea’ dance.
It’s called ‘Back to the Fuhrer’!” Des Bishop (2016)
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“My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a
chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016)
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“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’
‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son.
‘Yes.'” Damien Slash (2015)
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“I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” Rob Auton (2013)
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“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm (2011)
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“Crash Investigations is my favourite TV show, I’ve seen every episode. Here’s a tip for the new viewers: if the show starts with the pilots
being interviewed… it will be a boring episode.” Nick Cody (2015)
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“I think the bravest thing I’ve ever done is misjudge how much shopping I want to buy and still not go back to get a basket.” Stuart Laws (2016)
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“Drug use gets an unfair reputation considering all the beautiful things in life it has given us like rock ‘n’ roll and sporting achievement.”
Jason John Whitehead (2016)
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“I’m not a very muscular man; the strongest thing about me is my password.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)
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“I don’t have the Protestant work ethic, I have the Catholic work ethic; in that I don’t work but I do feel very guilty about that.” Rory O’Keeffe (2016)
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“I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day.” Aatif Nawaz (2016)


Cheers and Beers
Graham
098

berchman Loc: South Central PA

These are clever, but I only laughed out loud once: Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably shit.

Largobob

My sense of humor says, "British humor sucks!'

Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

Sucks??????????????????????????????

Say what you mean in English please, sucks isn't a word or term we use over in England when describing written matter.
I haven't a clue what your talking about........sucks??????????????????????????????

Dictionary explanation

SUCK

1.
draw into the mouth by contracting the muscles of the lips and mouth to make a partial vacuum.
"they suck mint juleps through straws"
synonyms: sip, sup, siphon, slurp, draw, drink, gulp, lap, guzzle, quaff, swill, swallow, imbibe More

2.
involve (someone) in something without their choosing.
"I didn't want to be sucked into the role of dutiful daughter"
synonyms: implicate in, involve in, draw into; informalmix up in
"young children can get sucked into a world of petty crime"

noun
plural noun: sucks
1.
an act of sucking something.
"the fish draws the bait into its mouth with a strong suck"

GT

Jetman

Being the only cousin of Don Rickles in this crowd, I have a suggestion. Insert your self into the mix and deliver the joke at a home for the aged. Such as; (Jewish crowd who all know I am one of them.) Transform "Work ethic" to . . .
"I don't have my father's work ethic. I have my Catholic mother's work ethic. She and I don't work, but we feel bad about it on Saturdays."

Not much of an improvement, but it works in Yiddish. Aye? AND do "Film script" just before a good joke.

“I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler’s parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea’ dance.
It’s called ‘Back to the Fuhrer’ #2.” It has to be delivered to people old enough to know who Hitler was and young enough to have seen Back to the Future #1. and it should go just before another running gag on assassination . . .
"These two Old Jews thought it was a shame that all their young men had died trying to assassinate Hitler. So they decided they were more expendable and would become suicide bombers. They found out that Hitler was going to lunch at Himmel's pub so they armed themselves and waited on the corner.
12 came and went, but no Hitler. 12:30 . . No Hitler. 1 oclock . . No Hitler. 1:30 came and the one old Jew said to the other; "Gee. I hope nothing happened to him."
"Script" is a setup for "Suicide bombers". It could work, but then again . . what do Brits know about humor? Aye? (Or cameras for that matter?) By the way. . . My mother is British. Donald

LoisCroft Loc: Jonesborough, Tennessee

These were funny. I guess you just need to have a sense of humor.

raymondh Loc: Walker, MI

DJphoto Loc: SF Bay Area

Some good ones!

randave2001 Loc: Richmond

I enjoyed this collection but feel pretty dense since I do not understand what this one means

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” Alun Cochrane (2015)

Can you please explain?

Graham Thirkill Loc: Idylic North Yorkshire, England UK.

I will explain my transatlantic friend, it's a pleasure. In England we have two National Sports one for the Winter
which is Association Football, in America you call it Soccer. they have a goalkeeper, as you may well know, who tries
to stop the opposing team kicking or heading the ball into your team's net or goal, whatever. The player, who's job it is ,
to stop the ball entering you team's net or goal is called a goalkeeper, for short and wears big gloves to assist him, he is
called a 'keeper'. Our Summer National Sport is Called, Cricket and is similar to your baseball. The player behind the batsman
in our cricket is called a wicket keeper and for short a "Keeper" and wears big gloves to protect his hands. That is where the
the term, 'keeper' originated from......hence the massive gloves.........I hope this explains the situation for you......
Also in photography, if you take a really amazing photograph, it is generally called a 'keeper', one you should keep for
prosperity perhaps....Unless it is of a girlfriend and the situation didn't work out, because she found a better looking guy, with money and a job and an insured motor car, without previous criminal convictions or drug or gun charges pending and not an illegal immigrant............not so easy, as it used to be, it's now 2018, a lot of things have changed for the worse unfortunately.
Cheers and Beers
Graham
098