Jokes in time for St.Paddy's day
Mar 14, 2015 00:42:59 #
Going the e-mail rounds. :-D :-D
Fwd: Just in time for St Paddy's Day
Subject: Just in time for St Paddy's Day
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been? "Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda............. no............ in fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
AND THE BEST FOR L AST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Fwd: Just in time for St Paddy's Day
Subject: Just in time for St Paddy's Day
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been? "Why, I've been to the pub, of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" " It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda............. no............ in fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, He said, "Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
AND THE BEST FOR L AST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
Mar 14, 2015 07:27:20 #
Mar 14, 2015 11:16:38 #
Mar 14, 2015 12:51:52 #
Mar 14, 2015 12:52:23 #
AlMac wrote:
Thank's for the laughs bcheary (nicked the first one for fb)!
My pleasure Al. :-D
Mar 15, 2015 08:15:14 #
Mar 15, 2015 12:06:40 #
Good ones but did you here the one about the Irishman that WALKED out of the bar?
Mar 15, 2015 12:06:45 #
If you will let me, i also have a paddy's day joke, Brian
.
Mrs. Clancy and Mrs. Murphy are having a cup of tea, this morning and Mrs. Clancy goes to the loo. When she comes out, she asks Mrs. Murphy, "Dearie, how d'u get yer toilet bowl so clean?" Mrs. Murphy tells her, "Every Saturday evening, i pour a tin of gasoline into the bowl, and let it sit till Sunday mornin, when i flush the bowl. And it's clean as a whistle."
Well, being its Saturday evening, Mrs. Clancy decides to try it. She buys a tin of gasoline and pours the whole thing into the bowl and goes to bed.
About 3 am, her husband Pat, like all good Irishmen, comes home from the local Pub, stewed to the gills. He quietly takes off his clothes, and goes to the loo to relieve himself. As he stands there, he lights cigarette and there is a loud explosion! Mrs. Clancy comes running to the room, and looking at Pat, she exclaims "Me G-d Pat .What happen'd to the hair on yer chest?" To which, Pat replays: "Never mind the hair on me chest woman .What happen'd to the damn thing i was holdin in me hand!!!!!!!"
Rich
Mrs. Clancy and Mrs. Murphy are having a cup of tea, this morning and Mrs. Clancy goes to the loo. When she comes out, she asks Mrs. Murphy, "Dearie, how d'u get yer toilet bowl so clean?" Mrs. Murphy tells her, "Every Saturday evening, i pour a tin of gasoline into the bowl, and let it sit till Sunday mornin, when i flush the bowl. And it's clean as a whistle."
Well, being its Saturday evening, Mrs. Clancy decides to try it. She buys a tin of gasoline and pours the whole thing into the bowl and goes to bed.
About 3 am, her husband Pat, like all good Irishmen, comes home from the local Pub, stewed to the gills. He quietly takes off his clothes, and goes to the loo to relieve himself. As he stands there, he lights cigarette and there is a loud explosion! Mrs. Clancy comes running to the room, and looking at Pat, she exclaims "Me G-d Pat .What happen'd to the hair on yer chest?" To which, Pat replays: "Never mind the hair on me chest woman .What happen'd to the damn thing i was holdin in me hand!!!!!!!"
Rich
Mar 15, 2015 12:23:13 #
an oldie: d'ja hear about the two Irishmen walking by the pub? could happen
another oldie. American in an Irish pub: "how quaint. all the sawdust on the floor" bartender: "tain't saw dust; 'tis last night's furniture.
another oldie. American in an Irish pub: "how quaint. all the sawdust on the floor" bartender: "tain't saw dust; 'tis last night's furniture.
Mar 15, 2015 16:19:06 #
4ellen4 wrote:
thank you for the morning smile
You are welcome Ellen. :-D
Mar 15, 2015 16:19:30 #
letmedance wrote:
Good ones but did you here the one about the Irishman that WALKED out of the bar?
:lol: :lol: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Mar 15, 2015 16:20:23 #
Rich2236 wrote:
If you will let me, i also have a paddy's day joke... (show quote)
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Mar 15, 2015 16:20:57 #
leej wrote:
an oldie: d'ja hear about the two Irishmen walking by the pub? could happen
another oldie. American in an Irish pub: "how quaint. all the sawdust on the floor" bartender: "tain't saw dust; 'tis last night's furniture.
another oldie. American in an Irish pub: "how quaint. all the sawdust on the floor" bartender: "tain't saw dust; 'tis last night's furniture.
:lol: :lol: :thumbup: :thumbup:
Mar 15, 2015 17:59:25 #
Mar 15, 2015 18:28:04 #
Patrick & Michael where walking when Patrick says Slow down Michael, youre walking to fast To fast says Michael when Im on my own I walk twice as fast as this Patrick replies Id hate to be with you when youre on your own
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