So disappointed....
May 8, 2014 09:01:54 #
Got up and first thing I did was check chit-chat. Hum-drum. No jokes from Sarge or Terry to get a laugh out of me first thing....or from anybody else. C'mon guys!!! This things going downhill!!!
May 8, 2014 11:26:06 #
Yeah, me too. Had to look at pictures and general chit-chat. No jokes this morning.
May 8, 2014 12:00:37 #
I do my best from time to time but I get so depressed when I open ChitChat to see so many ******* political rants. In the meantime............:
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats dont hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You dont understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats arent like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Im Josephines parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__
13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
__________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
__________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
__________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats dont hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.
You dont understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!
Cats arent like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?
Im Josephines parrot you jerk! Help me please, please help!
A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane...... The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please? The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure....... So what is it?' "Your Eyes, idiot!"
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________
__________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in?
Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on?
Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself?
Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse?
Yes__
10. Have you read the manual?
Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual?
Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual?
No__
13. Do you think you understood it?
Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? __________________________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
__________________________________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________
17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem?
Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel?
__________________________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood.
__________________________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me?
Yes__
Thank you for taking the time to fill out our Computer Problems Form. Please allow 1-week response time so that the problem will resolve its self or you will reboot your computer, most likely resolving the issue.
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
May 8, 2014 16:13:43 #
May 8, 2014 17:31:35 #
May 8, 2014 20:53:02 #
May 9, 2014 09:29:04 #
Subject: Fwd: FW: : Are You a Pilot
ARE YOU A PILOT?
You think you have lived to be 70 plus
and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,
still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
--
Rodney Workun
ARE YOU A PILOT?
You think you have lived to be 70 plus
and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,
still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked:
"Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
--
Rodney Workun
May 9, 2014 10:50:58 #
rowbow
Loc: Leicestershire
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
John
John
May 9, 2014 15:08:51 #
silver
Loc: Santa Monica Ca.
SteveR wrote:
Got up and first thing I did was check chit-chat. Hum-drum. No jokes from Sarge or Terry to get a laugh out of me first thing....or from anybody else. C'mon guys!!! This things going downhill!!!
Three blonds are walking in the woods when they come across some tracks. The first blond looks down and says, "those are bear tracks" and the second blond looks down and says," no they are not bear tracks they are deer tracks" and the 3rd blond looks down and says, "your both wrong they are elk tracks" and the three of them are still arguing about it when the train hits them.
May 9, 2014 18:03:47 #
Three couples want to become catholic. The bishop told them the first thing they had to do was abstain from sex for 30 days. After they all came back. The Bishop ask each how they did. The first couple said no problem that second said it was tough but they abstained. The Bishop said congrats you can join the church. Finally he went to the last couple who were very nervous. The Bishop asked them how they did. The man said well Father is was tough from day one. On the twenth day my wife dropped a can of soup. When she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right than an there the Bishop said sorry my son I can't allow you in the church. The man replied that is OK father we are not allowed in the supermarket anymore either
May 9, 2014 18:19:03 #
May 9, 2014 18:43:38 #
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,
took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years,
and there's something I have to know.
In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.
Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose
our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you
that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.
You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Beth answered, "Well, do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money
to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."
"All right, Beth said.
"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Hope all enjoyed this one
took his wife's hand in his and said, "Beth, soon we will have been married 30 years,
and there's something I have to know.
In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.
Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose
our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you
that the loan would be extended?"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.
You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Beth answered, "Well, do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money
to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."
"All right, Beth said.
"So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Hope all enjoyed this one
May 9, 2014 19:44:16 #
SteveR wrote:
Got up and first thing I did was check chit-chat. Hum-drum. No jokes from Sarge or Terry to get a laugh out of me first thing....or from anybody else. C'mon guys!!! This things going downhill!!!
My karma ran over my dogma.
May 11, 2014 06:48:27 #
Take my wife, please. I took my wife to Miami Beach. She just loves the spa at the Fontainebleau. They put hot stones on her love handles and a mudpack on her face. What an improvement. She looked marvelous for 3 days. Then the mud fell off.
May 11, 2014 08:41:53 #
magicray wrote:
Take my wife, please. I took my wife to Miami Beach. She just loves the spa at the Fontainebleau. They put hot stones on her love handles and a mudpack on her face. What an improvement. She looked marvelous for 3 days. Then the mud fell off.
I'm stealing that for my friends for sure.
Sarge69
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