Ray and JoJo Loc: Florida--Tenneessee

SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXY ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used , as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

rocco_7155 Loc: Connecticut/Louisiana

I'm so happy to know I'm using them all correctly! I never trust a man whose hands are unscarred....LOL :thumbup:

GeorgeH Loc: Jonesboro, GA

All too accurate!

Audie Thornburg Loc: Eureka, Kansas

Boy, Did you ever hit the nail on the head! (Or Not)

handgunner Loc: Windsor Locks, Connecticut

Hammer: Also used to turn a perfectly good thumb into something that resembles a salibury steak ...

Big Stopper Loc: London

Made me chuckle, thanks :thumbup:

Audwulf Loc: Golden State

Rolling about, with sore sides.

hopthecop Loc: salisbury md

thanks.....and most are true :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

nafplyr Loc: Chicago

Also
Pipe wrench that no matter what size you pick it will slip and be to big for the space you are in at the time.

Battery operated drill. .. Great for running out of juice have way through the first screw, or torquing your wrist when rotating the wrong direction. Also perfect for flying off of the fastener and dinging the one area that is going to show.

Wood Lathe Excellent tool for reducing a entire log into the size of a pencil with repeated unsuccessful tries to match a pattern.
Good for a good scare when the skew you are using get stuck flies back at you.

Router.. Really good for lousing up a perfectly good edge that would have looked ok as it was.
Good for sending enough dust into your sinuses and eyes regardless of the protection to make you smell wood for days, and your eyes look like a two day drunk.

All scrapers. Specifically designed to give a thorough work out with little results.

Bench Grinder.. Good for turning object bright red in a moment.
Burning the following from the flying object being held by the all to famous vice grips , Shirt, fingers, chest, ego.
Clamps A device to purposely drive you crazy because no matter how many you have, you never have the one you need at the time, and when you do get it, the thing warps anyway.

Orbital, sanders, good for asking your Doctor for some more sinus meds, and Zanex so you can calmly remove by hand the thousands of little scratches you were trying to avoid in the first place.

Just a few more, hope you don't mind the add on.
Thanks for posting.
Tools have no memory or conscience.
Thanks for posting
Ed

NormPR

I was an electrician for forty eight years before retiring, and, yes, they always worked that way. By the way Lineman's pliers and a straight screwdriver made a great hammer and chisel.

hopthecop Loc: salisbury md

thanks, if you don't mind, i'll add these to the list..... :thumbup: :thumbup: