DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
Jan 12, 2014 16:25:30 #
This is from a pilot buddy who retired down south and moved to his wife`s
hometown in Iowa. He was born and raised in Tyler, Tx.
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm
glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough
on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I
think the butthole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
hometown in Iowa. He was born and raised in Tyler, Tx.
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm
glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I
wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.
The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed
again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough
on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I
think the butthole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by
his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the damn snowplough.
December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went
home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Jan 12, 2014 16:48:29 #
Hi Ray and JoJo, thanks for your snow story, I really enjoyed reading it. I have not laughed so much for ages, it made my stomach hurt. I really shouldn't laugh at other peoples misfortune!!
Thanks again,
John.
I am going to read it again now.
It was worth reading through again it was even funnier, I can hardly see the keyboard fro the tears in my eyes.
I am going to forward it to my son who has a sense of humour even sicker then mine!
Thanks again,
John.
I am going to read it again now.
It was worth reading through again it was even funnier, I can hardly see the keyboard fro the tears in my eyes.
I am going to forward it to my son who has a sense of humour even sicker then mine!
Jan 12, 2014 17:26:02 #
Jan 12, 2014 19:08:35 #
Jan 13, 2014 13:01:20 #
Hysterical, Ray!! - you've gotta move this to the General Chit-Chat, Non-Photography section; more people will see this and respond. :) :) :)
Jan 15, 2014 18:41:28 #
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