danielb59 Loc: The South

In a fit of anger her majesty Queen Elizabeth II issued the following letter to the citizens of United States of America

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Thank you for your cooperation.

God Save the Queen!

oldmalky Loc: West Midlands,England.

Seems more than fair and sensible and when you are back on an even keel I am sure elections will be put in place to see if the constitution will be reinstated as it seems to have been ignored in some quarters. Seems like a nice day.

Spindrift62 Loc: Dorset, England. U.K.

Please assure me that we won't have to take Piers Morgan back if the Americans are allowed back into the commonwealth.

COI Jack Loc: Missouri

I can appreciate some of this. Funny stuff!

viscountdriver Loc: East Kent UK

Could we ban shop assistants saying 'Have a nice day.'

Bboston75

And stop brushing your teeth

Hemi Loc: Aotearoa

Dear US of A

Do not believe this Pommie Drivel. Here in New Zealand we have now 170 years of experience of British colonialism and we know! Ever had to repair an English car…you just can’t throw them away like in your country. Their beer is too hot and to dark, their doughnuts lack Trans fats and their choice of health care plans is nil.
Their parliament spends all day arguing because they don’t have a constitution to tell them what’s right and whats wrong, petrol prices are through the roof and you can’t own those nice big SUVs because they tax them heavily saying they are environmentally unfriendly, (have you seen how small their cars are?) and they really restrict gun ownership, which means nutters are deprived of their right to go out and shoot bullets. The Queen is nice, but can get a bit boring cause she doesn’t change every 6 years like the President, and never, never tell Prince William that his wife has a nice fanny cause he will not be happy.
Yes, everything is not beer and skittles as a British colony cause they drag you into stupid wars against nations on the other side of the world who you have no beef with, like the Boar War, WW1, WW2, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan. You spend years feeding them your finest agricultural products during their time of greatest need and then they join with the Jerries and close borders to your products.
My suggestion, join with us on a free trade agreement…think of the advantages…you’ll get access to the kiwi milk we can’t get across your borders, you can learn that Lamb is nicer than beef and tastier, you get ¼ price pharmaceuticals and a whole lot more Tolkien Movies. But first we’d like a rerun of race 13 of the America’s Cup..you know where Team NZ were leading by a country mile before the stupid time limit was reached!

Lmarc Loc: Ojojona, Honduras

Actually, she has far too much class to ever write something like this, though I wish she had.

I admire her greatly, if for no other reason than this:

After months of begging her father to let his heir pitch in, Elizabeth—then an 18-year-old princess—joined the Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service during World War II. Known as Second Subaltern Elizabeth Windsor, she donned a pair of coveralls and trained in London as a mechanic and military truck driver. The queen remains the only female member of the royal family to have entered the armed forces and is the only living head of state who served in World War II.

She did her part when she knew she was not required to do so. :thumbup: :thumbup:

viscountdriver Loc: East Kent UK

Ignore that Kiwi bull.If you join with them you'll never have another steak again-you'll be eating lamb with sheep in your garden and yard and, in one or two cases, your bed.
True they fought with us, I know because I was on 75NZ squadron but if they are not fighting the enemy, which they do very well they'll want to fight you.

Budnjax Loc: NE Florida

What is the difference between the so-called "Royal Family" and any other group of welfare recipients living in government housing?

Searcher Loc: Kent, England

They get paid extra.

Lmarc Loc: Ojojona, Honduras

They weren't elected and don't live in the White House....

viscountdriver Loc: East Kent UK

Perhaps it is not understood in the States. The Royal Family have no powers whatsoever and are mainly ceremonial
and bring money to the country from American tourists.Certainly they are box office in America, How much newspaper space was devoted to the new royal baby?