BrentHarder Loc: Southern California

I thought it might be fun to give everyone a laugh or chuckle from Phyllis Diller. Here are some of her one liners:



Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for hockey, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
-Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate
Pearl Harbor.
-Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
-Phyllis Diller


Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

sleepydrdr Loc: Chattanooga, TN

Love it!

Photog8 Loc: Morriston, FL

Ahhh...one of the great stand-up comics. Luv'd her. ;-)

SteveR Loc: Michigan

I miss the great comedians who spent time honing their craft. Phyllis Diller was one of the best.

Heirloom Tomato Loc: Oregon

Thank you for those! She was so funny. A real pioneer for female standup, too.

BrentHarder Loc: Southern California

Ahhhh sleepydrdr, I hope it put a smile on your face!

BrentHarder Loc: Southern California

Yeah Photog8, did you have a favorite?

BrentHarder Loc: Southern California

Yeah Steve, I agree. I wonder how much of her material she wrote and how much others wrote for her.

BrentHarder Loc: Southern California

You are very welcome Heirloom Tomato. Did you have a favorite one liner?

SteveR Loc: Michigan

Good question. Buddy Hackett supposedly had over a million jokes in his files.

Heirloom Tomato Loc: Oregon

So many of them hit close to the bone. So much truth there. Picking a favorite would be too revealing. I'm shy. :oops:

AnnaZ Loc: SW Wis.

Go back and read them.............they do not have one vulgarity in them and they are STILL funny. Why does anyone who thinks they are funny have to drop the F-bomb every other word?? Ok, showing my age, I suppose.

MagicFad Loc: Clermont, FL

I love the old comedians, they had nice clean humor that made you laugh. Do you have any from Bob Hope?

Photog8 Loc: Morriston, FL

So many to choose from, but...Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. Soooo typical for Phyllis. lol ;-)

lovesphotos Loc: Colorado and Arizona

Great ones. Sure miss her and her times...Thanks for these.