Raising threat levels
Sep 5, 2013 11:26:46 #
The State of Affairs in the world right now!
ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
*The Swedes have declared neutrality and warned Norway to be ready! Norwegians are stocking up on lutefisk if there is a long siege! Reindeer routes across the north have been mined with smelly, dead fish!
*The Swiss have advised both sides to leave their gold and valuables with them! The Swiss banks have advised that they will hold on tight to these assets forever - no matter who claims ownership or provenance!
*The Russians - for a price, vat do you vant? Putin is doing push ups as warm up exercise!
IN THE USA:
*USA is looking for a military partner. So far only Mexico has signed up! "From the Halls of Montezuma ..." They are offering assistance in exchange for a return of their Northern Colony, Southern California!
IN AUSTRALIA:
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
*With editing from PB ...
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC
PS: If I have not offended everyone, sorry! I tried!
ALERTS TO THREATS
IN 2013 EUROPE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
*The Swedes have declared neutrality and warned Norway to be ready! Norwegians are stocking up on lutefisk if there is a long siege! Reindeer routes across the north have been mined with smelly, dead fish!
*The Swiss have advised both sides to leave their gold and valuables with them! The Swiss banks have advised that they will hold on tight to these assets forever - no matter who claims ownership or provenance!
*The Russians - for a price, vat do you vant? Putin is doing push ups as warm up exercise!
IN THE USA:
*USA is looking for a military partner. So far only Mexico has signed up! "From the Halls of Montezuma ..." They are offering assistance in exchange for a return of their Northern Colony, Southern California!
IN AUSTRALIA:
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
*With editing from PB ...
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC
PS: If I have not offended everyone, sorry! I tried!
Sep 5, 2013 11:32:16 #
oldmalky
Loc: West Midlands,England.
I dont think we have reached the peeved level yet but watch out when we do.
Sep 5, 2013 11:50:36 #
Hilarious! So darned clever. Now I can blame Scottish ancestry for my default outlook! Lol! Thanks lad. =)
Sep 5, 2013 11:59:59 #
Sorry but you've all got this wrong. We are currently in the 'amazed' category, in that our Government representatives actually voted for what the majority of the populace wanted. Now if we can continue this unusual happening to include Immigration, asylum seekers, capital punishment, the EU, social security benefits etc. we will quite happily upgrade to 'Gob-smacked'!
Sep 5, 2013 16:32:24 #
Sep 5, 2013 17:32:47 #
Brilliant, as only John Cleese (Fawlty Towers) could tell it. :thumbup: :thumbup:
Sep 5, 2013 19:59:15 #
DOOK wrote:
Brilliant, as only John Cleese (Fawlty Towers) could tell it. :thumbup: :thumbup:
He's a master of the absurd. I hate to say it but I never saw Fawlty Towers but if it's on Netflix I'll check it out.
Sep 5, 2013 20:17:41 #
pounder35 wrote:
The State of Affairs in the world right now! br ... (show quote)
Best thing I have read since "Of Mice And Men"
( including Mitchner and JRR Tolkein)
Thank you so much!
Sep 6, 2013 09:35:35 #
pounder35 wrote:
The State of Affairs in the world right now! br ... (show quote)
thats pretty dang clever..thanks for sharing...Who could it offend except the obamasheep...
Sep 6, 2013 11:06:04 #
pounder35 wrote:
The State of Affairs in the world right now! br ... (show quote)
John Cleese makes me laugh in a time when there's little to laugh about. That first paragraph is hysterical. Thanks for offending all of us with his humor.
Sep 7, 2013 00:13:23 #
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