A humorous view of a colonoscopy
Sep 2, 2013 12:22:32 #
I called my friend of mine, who is a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then he explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
I left the office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am being kind), like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, A loose, water-bowel movement may result.
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This ispretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, What if I spurt on the Doctor? How do you apologize for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but she was very good, and I was already lying down. Also, she told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, she wheeled me into the procedure room, where the Doctor was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew that had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
The Doctor had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up? Someone said behind me.
Ha ha, I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really I dont. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. The Doctor was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies:
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
__________________
A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then he explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!
I left the office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am being kind), like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, A loose, water-bowel movement may result.
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This ispretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, What if I spurt on the Doctor? How do you apologize for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but she was very good, and I was already lying down. Also, she told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, she wheeled me into the procedure room, where the Doctor was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew that had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
The Doctor had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen had to be the least appropriate. "You want me to turn it up? Someone said behind me.
Ha ha, I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really I dont. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. The Doctor was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies:
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
__________________
Sep 2, 2013 12:28:11 #
Sep 2, 2013 12:30:20 #
Sep 2, 2013 12:34:27 #
Funny! Funny! Who needs MoviPrep? I just crapped my pants laughing! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sep 2, 2013 12:43:22 #
Sep 2, 2013 12:50:07 #
Sep 2, 2013 13:46:39 #
Just went through that last week. Truer words were never spoken. Thanks
Sarge69
Sarge69
Sep 2, 2013 17:54:59 #
Popeye that was Very funny..you could write a best seller if you put your mind to it!!
Sep 2, 2013 18:45:33 #
cudakite wrote:
I'm with you. I would rather DIE than go through that!Ok, great! Now i'm gonna put it off for another ten years!!
Sep 2, 2013 21:02:22 #
Sep 3, 2013 05:42:14 #
Let's give credit to humorist Dave Barry for providing us with this morning's laugh.
By the way...I always ask my doc if he's found the bones of Jimmy Hoffa....
By the way...I always ask my doc if he's found the bones of Jimmy Hoffa....
Sep 3, 2013 06:12:32 #
well you did a great job on this .... when i had mine few years ago the doctor came in introduced himself then said I am here to do the procedure.... at that time i looked up... smiled... then said oh thank God i lost those keys two week ago...... well the nurse fell off the stool laughing so hard .... i asked you're not use to humour... they said not from the patients.... felt good to be a first after the drugs i don't remember anything
cant wait for my brother to go through this :)
cant wait for my brother to go through this :)
Sep 3, 2013 07:55:49 #
When I had it done, it didn't get moviprep, I had the UK equivalent, and was warned "Don't stray too far from a toilet" As if I had the chance to!!
Never again, I hope
Never again, I hope
Sep 3, 2013 16:18:02 #
Did that twice this year,exactly like you said only the second time I knew what to expect. No more for three years if all goes well.I feel for you and anybody else that need this procedure, but it can save your life. don't put it off!
Sep 3, 2013 19:05:46 #
Great! -My experience was very similar. When I woke up afterwards I asked the doctor what he had found. Answer: "A piece of beetroot!"
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